Maybe some of you have already heard about this, but there are reports claiming that one of Casey Anthony’s possible destinations now that she’s out of jail, is the god-forsaken island that is Puerto Rico, or maybe she might ultimately decide to go somewhere else.
As if Puerto Rico needed anything else to feel shameful about. But hey, when it rains, it pours, right?
Here at CleveredFool, we have some legitimate insight into the ins-and-outs of this cursed Caribbean island.
Given that we are devoted humanitarians, we have decided to help Casey in her quest of finding a new place where she can continue to suffocate toddlers (allegedly), so we came up with five tips that hopefully will serve as good-advice for Casey, if she does in fact move to that hell-hole.
1st Tip: Become Acquainted With Puerto Rico’s Politicians
Puerto Rican politicians are the embodiment of honesty, integrity, and public service. They serve the voters that elected them with utmost respect for the duty that the voters vested upon them on election day.
Casey would do well to get acquainted with the three following politicians in particular:
The first politician Casey should get a hold of is Senator Antonio Soto, also known in political circles as “El Chuchin. He is also fucking crazy.
Senator Soto himself, has claimed to be some sort of cheap-ass witch, and everytime someone wrongs him, he threatens to use his ‘potent’ witch-craft powers to turn them into ‘Chupacabras‘ – the endemic Puerto Rican blood-sucking alien species.
Puerto Rico's most recognized endemic species. A fucking alien.
Casey needs someone with a surreal and larger-than-life nickname like ‘El Chuchin’, by her side, to help her turn the seemingly overwhelming tide of public hatred against her, that has only incremented with her recent acquittal.
And hey, maybe Chuchin can do some voodoo witchcraft, to remind Casey that when your daughter is missing, you don’t wait 30 fucking days to report her disappearance to the authorities.
The Man. The Myth. The Legend: El Chuchin... And just because you can't make this shit up, he's wearing a horrifying shocking-purple shirt.
The second politician Casey needs to befriend is Senator Evelyn Vazquez.
It might be a very good bet to take to Vegas, that Senator Vazquez and Casey will become BFFs in a Lohan heartbeat — as in a cocaine-mixed-with-Red-Bull-and-vodka heartbeat.
After all, Senator Vazquez is known, not for her credentials (she has none), her smarts (nope), or her dedication (zero); but instead, she’s known for her undying devotion to bringing attention upon herself. Any kind of attention — She’s like a Celebrity Sex Tape, who finds its way into the hands of Perez Hilton.
Furthermore, Senator Vazquez loves, loves, loves to show off her body. To the point that she has actually published a couple of ‘Calendar Pictorials’, during her tenure as Senator.
And that is not a joke. Unfortunately, there is evidence to prove it:
Yup, that's Senator Vazquez alright... Cyanide is the only cure for having watched this picture.
Hence, Casey will find in Senator Vazquez, a worthy and loyal companion for the ‘Hot-Body Contests’ she so deeply adores.
The third and last politician — or rather former politician — that Casey should get in touch with as soon as she arrives to the hell-hole, is the now infamous ex-member of the House of Representatives of Puerto Rico, Rolando Crespo.
Crespo, as some of you might already be aware of, was forced to resign his position as a Representative, a couple of months ago.
But no, he was not forced to resign because he sent racy pictures of his dong to an underage Thai girl, or because of his annoying habit of scratching his balls in the middle of the House floor, but rather because he failed an impromptu drug test, for, wait for it… cocaine!
"That fuckin' Crespo! He took my coke... That dihty cah-ca-roach!"
So Casey will surely find comfort in the arms of Crespo and his coke-dealer.
2nd Tip: Research The Good Places To Party In Puerto Rico
It’s important for Casey to find out the adequate places where she can get her slut on.
And it is no CIA-secret that she’s a slut. Her lawyer — the monument to ethics that is Jose Baez — even said so much during HIS OWN closing arguments to the jury.
Um-huhm - no joke -- that's Casey's ass... I'd tap it... Sorry America, but I am an evil person.
In order to find the proper place to get her slut on, Anthony – first and foremost – needs to learn how to ‘Karaoke’.
Puerto Ricans love karaoke.
They wake up in the morning, get drunk, don’t take their kids to school, miss work, spend the next eight hours in a comatose state while watching ‘TeleNovelas Mexicanas’ on television, then get up from the couch, get drunk again, tell their kids to go get something to eat at a dumpster, get drunk once again, and then finally, they’re ready for the highlight of their day — Karaoke.
Then they proceed to karaoke the shit every stupid and animalistic song in the world, until the ears of everyone within a 100-mile ratio start hemorrhaging.
The National Association of the Deaf says that Puerto Rican karaoke-singing is responsible for turning more people deaf, than Olympic Gold-Medalist Sprinter, Carl Lewis, did after subjecting 20,000 humans to the following form of torture:
*A quick note on that video: the best part of it, is when Lewis goes horribly out of tune, and immediately assures the crowd, “I’ll make up for it now.” Just kills me everytime. Hilarious.
Now, going back to Casey, we think the following ‘modified’ version of the song “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, will help her make some friends that she can then fuck.
Or at the very least, pose for a picture with them while they grab her breast, as she smiles, honored.
Hey Boricuas... this could be you grabbing Casey's titty in the very near future. You boys just gotta play your cards right.
Take a look at the lyrics of the song that we think Casey should karaoke:
But they caught me with the chloroform… CA (It wasn’t me)
Saw the duct tape on my sofa… CA (It wasn’t me)
I even drowned her in the shower… CA (It wasn’t me)
They even caught me on camera… CA (It wasn’t me)
Cops saw the marks on her shoulder… CA (It wasn’t me)
Heard her bones when I broke them… CA (It wasn’t me)
They heard her screams getting louder… CA (It wasn’t me)
(Chorus)
It is so easy to avoid jail… with an unscrupulous lawyer…
You don’t need a good attorney… when the jury is so full of shit…
I just can’t believe… that people actually bought my crap…
I just clearly killed her… to get high on some cocaine lines!
(The End.)*
*(Please, don’t sue us…)
At that point — that is, the immediate instant the song ends — Casey would do well to shout, “Yeyyy!” out loud, and call everyone around her “motherfuckers”, “assholes”, and “cabrones” and “pendejos”, and then proceed to scream at the top of her lungs: “El que no brinque se lo mete a Fortuno”, which roughly translated from Spanish, means that whoever doesn’t jump, would rather put his penis in the ass of Luis Fortuno — The Governor of Puerto Rico.
The crowd will just love her after that.
Casey will have plenty nights like this if she ends up moving to Puerto Rico... Watching her be this proud of laying against a toilet-paper filled toilet, makes ME proud. I want her in PR. She's really gonna fit right in.
3rd Tip: Become An Expert In The Field Of Puerto Rico’s Most Valuable Cultural Treasure: Reggaeton
Learning the rhythms of Reggaeton is something that is non-negotiable for Casey, if she wants to fit-in into the moronic and monkey-like Puerto Rican culture.
Reggaeton is a piece of inventive and imaginative genius, which Johann Sebastian Bach himself would no-doubt deeply admire, were he still alive.
It is comprised of the most simple of musical notes. Musical notes that even coma patients easily compose while in their vegetative state.
Take a look at the following video, and you’ll see some of the finest, most educated, and decent girl-next-door-types, showing the world how proud Puerto Ricans truly are of their Reggaeton:
Its lyrics too, are full of artistic and majestic poetry – Lyrics that talk about cumming on women’s belly-buttons, and that implore the killing of any human who accidentally takes your parking spot at your children’s Little-League Baseball Game.
Reggaeton is just –for lack of a better word – beautiful to watch and listen; a true cultural accomplishment by the Puerto Ricans
But seriously, it really makes you want to sever your jugular vein with your cell-phone. Sort of the way I felt, the first time I heard Glenn Beck speak.
Glenn Beck surely doesn't have any issues with Casey... She's a true American patriot.
4th Tip: Become Involved In The Puerto Rican Community
It is important that Casey becomes involved in the discussion of the relevant social issues in Puerto Rico.
She needs to be the voice of the new generation of Puerto Ricans, who enjoy nothing more than being lazy, creating havoc and unrest, drinking alcohol obsessively, and living off the government.
You know what? This 'encapuchados' look would be a great one for Casey. No one would be able recognize her, or tell her apart from these idiots... Now, on the matter of giving her anything that could be used as a weapon...
Thus, Casey should immediately show her up at the University of Puerto Rico, and start protesting about tax-payers not paying her entire education, and her living expenses as well.
Because dammit, she still just 25. Give her a fucking break.
She will not take out 2-3 grand in student loans to pay for her education. I mean, WTF? She’s not gaining anything by studying. The tax-payers need to pay for her studies.
Fucking government only cares about corporations, and it’s always making education unavailable for our youth, and for the poor. Ohhhh the youth and the poor… Our future! The humanity!
"Corporations are ruining the wooorrrlld!"
Anyways, moving on, Casey can enroll at the University of Puerto Rico, cash in on the Pell Grant for five years, and then use that money to party and get high.
Students there are gonna love her.
Teamwork... See America. She's not that bad... Ready for college, too.
5th Tip: Just Go Ahead And Get To Puerto Rico Already
You know what? I actually want Casey to move to there.
Puerto Ricans are actually known for their outrageous and unwarranted welcomings of celebrities and public figures.*
*(You can ask President Obama — who visited PR, only to leave after four hours, with an extra million dollars safe in his fundraising account — and JJ Barea about that. Yeah, Barea deserves the accolades, but the city of San Juan didn’t deserve to be paralyzed for an entire afternoon for a guy who puts a ball into a hole real well. He didn’t cure cancer, people. He didn’t play a crucial role in Egypt’s liberation. Settle down, please.)
Sights from a Third-World Country...
So yeah, Casey will probably be received at the PR airport like she just won “Objetivo Fama”, and then Puerto Ricans will proceed to either genuinely hate her, or just don’t give a damn about the fact that she’s there.
For all their flaws — and boy there are plenty — Puerto Ricans aren’t as hypocritical as you’d think. They either hate/like you, or they just simply don’t give a fuck. At least that’s the impression I get when I’m on delusional mode.
So if Casey truly decides to go there, I think people will either; follow the news for two-weeks and then proceed to not caring about her ever again; or in the alternative, some Puerto Rican thug will kidnap her within three hours of her arrival, and she’ll end up passing out after being forced to inhale chloroform, next thing you know she’ll be tied up and her mouth and nose duct-taped — causing her to suffocate and die — and eventually, her remains will be found in a wooded area of Puerto Rico’s countryside six months later. And the people will blame El Chupacabra for her death, after ‘La Comay’ tells them that’s what happened, after showing them a video of a random scene from the movie Mars Attacks!, as evidence.
La Comay... As 'The Bachster' previously explained, this is the face of the most-trusted source of news in Puerto Rico.
Now, maybe that’s the sort of ending that this Casey/Caylee Anthony tragedy deserves — Another tragedy, to finally come full-circle.
This story is real sad (maybe one day, if new stuff comes out about what really happened, I’ll post my theory on what I think really happened), and even though we’ve added a lot of insult to injury (only against Casey), we won’t post about her again; we’re in the group that doesn’t give a fuck after two-weeks.
So that’s that…
… Well, unless of course, I get to grab one of her titties. In which case I’ll post the pictures, and tell you all about it… Boo-Yah!
Trackbacks/Pingbacks
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