Mickey Jax — The Intellectual Situation 1.0

Editor’s Note — Mickey Jax introduces his new running column on our site: The Intellectual Situation.

The Intellectual Situation 1.0 — By: Mickey Jax

I always get a kick out of my good friend The Bachster‘s rants.  I have to say though, I felt a deep sense of irony reading the latest one.

Let me set this up a bit.

The Bachster has an almost unhealthy obsession with Ray Kurzweil and the imminent age of spiritual machines. I’m still not totally convinced I’m going to see a robot cry in my lifetime, but seriously, think about all the awesome stuff we got now.

The future according to Kurzweil.

The Law of Accelerating Returns is pretty damn real when it comes to technology. Your grandparents were dealing with their first ever landline when they got married, while your parents had that monster brick Zack Morris carried around back in the early 90s, provided they had the thousands of dollars to spare.

"... iiiiitt's alright, 'cause I'm saved by the bellll!"

What are you dealing with now?

These are SO last year.

The future is coming in fast, but if you’ve been around any type of science faculty or department recently, I don’t think Americans are the ones that will make that future possible:

The future doctors and software engineers of America...

The intellectual situation in the heartland of the US is “three sheets to the wind” abysmal. It’s so bad I’m sure the average reader doesn’t even know what that means.

That's how you're gonna look the morning after a bottle of everclear.

I’ve been living in the continental US for the past eight years. I can tell my good friend the Bachster that our colonial banana republic, our homeland, has had an awesome role model in Uncle Sam.

Uncle Sam operates on “bread and circus” mentality.

That lowest common denominator the Bachster mentioned is fully realized in the cheap infotainment that is the American media. We could all talk volumes about what the latest reality TV show made people eat or what syphilitic former celebrity is forcing sex upon his unlucky suitors, but I’ll stick to good ole Fox News.

Did you know Fox News has puppets on TV too? No? Perfecting a technique that had only been mastered by anime characters, Rupert Murdoch has made puppets out of former human beings:

The 'puppetification' process was made easier by the fact they had no souls to begin with.

This article explains 14 propaganda techniques that Fox News uses to keep the American masses entertained and stupefied.

To give you a clear example, here’s a clip of Glenn Beck‘s show. In 10 minutes he uses at least half of the propaganda techniques on the list, including rewriting history, bullying, guilt by association, etc:

It’s already amusing enough that the American government has privatized its propaganda machine, it also contracted out its foreign intelligence gathering to the same company. But that’ll be the subject of another post.

So what happens when the Rupert Murdoch way of entertainment ends up being the most profitable and everyone starts copying it?

The Bachster gave you an extensive picture of how something like that rotted our colony. I’ll give you an example of how a steady supply of bullshit flavored ice cream rots the intellect the same way Krispy Kreme donuts will make your teeth fall out.

About two years ago I helped out a friend doing some classes at community college. Her first time in higher education, she was a bit overwhelmed with classes, her daughter, and her job commitments. She asked me to crank out a quick two page response paper for a politics class. I think it was a politics class.

Being the thorough counterfeiter that has brought me fame, and not the fortune, I asked her for her previous response papers so I could nail her writing style. Eager to get that out of the way, she sent me two samples. I opened the Word documents to find…

I wish...

… some of the most incomprehensible babble I’ve ever seen. I had finally found something to test my ability. I didn’t think I could dumb down my writing to the necessary degree. Hell, I used to work as a teaching assistant in a 7th grade class. I could’ve had one of those monsters write the response paper. My friend had no business being in a college class.

Still, I can do you one better.

Recently a friend asked me for another favor (see the pattern yet?). He’s trying to get into some girl’s pants and she needs a short essay done, so he bribes me by wining and dining me at one of San Antonio’s classier venues:

I proceeded to get some details. What type of short essay are we talking about here? He tells me it’s basically a book report. As it turns out, this book was made into a movie too. The essay needs to compare both. Sounds easier than Lindsey Lohan after two lines of Colombian cocaine chased with a double shot of jaegger and Jim Beam.

No problem, I’ll get right on it.


How do I get myself into these situations? Lord knows I didn’t read the book or watch the movie. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my neurons like that. Following Uncle Sam’s lead, I let Wikipedia do my research for me.

Do I need to point out that shit was brought into production thinking it would be a commercially viable popcorn flick trying to ride the non-adult secret agent wave? Movie producers think so little of us that they think we want to watch that?

I’d rather risk masturbating to Spy Kids and getting arrested for indecent exposure.

It gets to the point when you have to start asking yourself if you can live in such a society — Popular culture and its discourse are in the tank.

Think about it, we’ve gone pretty damn low when it’s more than acceptable to see the following at your nearest Barnes and Noble:

That sobbing you hear... yeah, that's civilization slitting its wrists.

I conclude by stating I have no hope for our beloved colony. The US will drag us down with it.

Or will it?

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