Paris Hilton just broke up with Cy Waits
We have the exclusive story of what really went down.
For that, we go to my brother, the CPA, and co-founder of this blog.
He’s really the brains behind this entire operation — He gives me the ideas, and since I was born with the bullshit gift of writing about nothing, I just write them.
Now, he takes a crack at writing. He’ll be taking over some of the writing in the Entertainment & Celebrities section of our Daily News; so keep an eye out for that.
“The World According to Cy”
I know what you’re probably thinking right now, “Who the fuck is Cy Waits?”
Don’t worry, I don’t even know who he is, and I had to interview him, and now I’m writing this piece on him!
Either way, when I first learned that I had to interview him for this breaking news story, I went ahead and Googled him.
The results I found were, to say the least, intriguing and utmostly captivating.
It seemed, according to those results, that Cy Waits is blonde, fits in a very small package, is immune to people with bad breath and multiple sex-partners… and, last but certainly not least, he actually comes included with a prostitute, as you can see in the following picture.
Pictured above: Paris and Cy... Friends of Cy tell us that they repeatedly begged him not to approach Paris, the night they met after having sex in the middle of the Hilton Plaza lobby...
After the night of sexual debauchery, Cy fell in love with Paris Hilton the very next day. He also lost every last one of his friends because of that.
A friend of Cy, recounted the event for us, “We implored to him: ‘Good God, Cy, what the heck are you thinking? Gotta stop drinking, my man. Keep going to those AA meetings. Be strong. Don’t do it!’ But he wouldn’t listen, the whore had him in her web of STD-filled diseases; but Cy’s crazier than the Taco Bell Chihuahua, and now he’s paying for it. At that point, we couldn’t be friends with him any longer.”
(Editor’s note: For more on why Cy lost all his friends see: The Old Testament in The Bible. Somewhere in between the overwhelming amount hate, anger, and revenge, that you’ll very easily find there, you’ll also see the following rule: No Creature Shall Ever Fall In Love With A Whore — Unless she’s a multi-millionaire; in which case, you can still fall in love with her, but as a penalty, you will lose all your friends.)
The Old Testament has many rules on how to behave in accordance with the law of God.
Cy was able to win Paris’ parents rather quickly, who graciously gave him their approval to keep going out with Paris, and secretly asked him to bite open Paris’ jugular vein while she slept.
However, Cy, the chivalrous creature that he is, respectfully — but not without considering it for the next 96 hours — refused their request.
During their time together, Paris and Cy spent some quality couple-time drunk driving, and in prison for jumping on to the field at Dodger Stadium in a misguided effort to try and snort the white-chalked foul lines, because as Paris so eloquently put it: “We were drunk, and we wanted some cocaine.”
This is not cocaine, Paris. This is not cocaine, Cy... Even Rick James is making fun of you guys right now.
The couple did experience some short-lived success as entrepreneurs, after starting off their own sweatshop business in China and Japan, which focused on hiring kids 5 & under (on high-demand, because their still tender fingers) — A bold strategy that Paris came up with, while high on hallucinogenic mushrooms.
However, as success often brings about, the young couple started to experience some relationship issues that ultimately ended in their split a couple of days ago.
Sources we talked to, unequivocally assured us that while they worry for Cy’s state-of-mind after the break-up, they have no concerns about Paris’ ability to bounce back from the split.
According to friends, Paris is an a renowned expert in the field of 'splits'.
One friend went further, and told us: “Trust me, Paris knows her ‘splits’ quite well. You can ask every consenting adult in the Beverly Hills area about that.”
We were able to reach Cy over at Wal-Mart (Paris’s Favorite Store, says Cy), while shopping for the usual break up items :
Guns, Alcohol, Cigarettes, Kleenex, Pizza-flavored Combos, Beggin Bits, three packets of Sour Patch candy, and the most indispensable item of them all — an STD testing kit.
Um, yeah, this is not an actual picture of the real test results that Cy recevied after breaking up with Paris.
We were finally able to catch up with Cy, as he was sprinting away from the Paul-Blart-looking security guards, who were pursuing him for a previous shoplifting accusation (for stealing M&Ms; eat your heart out Wynona).
But we were still able to interview him briefly for some comments relating to his separation with Paris, to which he hurriedly responded, “I don’t ask for much in any relationship. With Paris, all I ever asked for, all I ever wanted, was a relationship with a few basic rules — a ‘simple life’ if you will, with a few basic rules.”
“1. Thou shall always cook for the Cy.”
“2. Thou shall always forget the first rule, because Paris cooks as good as she did on her SAT test — She never even tried it.”
“3. Thou shall allow me hump your leg in the mornings that I wake up horny.”
“4. Thou shall not talk when we’re watching American Idol, Friends re-runs, Piers Morgan’s awesome new show, and when we’re breathing.”
“5. Thou shall be honest, respectful, honor your master, and, you know, that other bullshit that Dr. Phil spews nonsensically about.”
As the 80 year-old, fat, and sweaty, security guard from Wal-Mart came “running” up to Cy, and approached him to try to apprehend him for the previous shoplifting (Cy really loves M&Ms), I ran up to him, to try to ask him one more question, but the fat security guard had already tasered Cy.
Cy's love for M&Ms is fitting -- When you consider that, "melting in her mouth, and not in her hands", is the same phrase that the millions and millions of Paris' sexual partners have used to describe the sex with her.
I asked him one more question, as he was being taken away, his extremities tied with cheap Wal-Mart rope…
“Cy, why did you really split up with Paris?”
To which he replied:
“For once she wouldn’t give me enough camera time, and worst of all, the real reason we broke-up — other than the fact that she’s stupider than all the Kardashian sisters lumped together — is because she wouldn’t let me star and produce the second film of her Oscar-worthy cinematographic career: ‘A night inside Paris Part DEUX: Paris Get’s Humped — Doggy-Style’… For me, that was the breaking-point in our relationship.”
Paris and her next victim.
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