Editor’s Note: Well… She’s back by popular demand! After offending an inspiring number of Puerto Ricans with her previous article on surviving Puerto Rico’s bad driving, we bring back our newest girl on the block and rookie columnist, Madonna! This time, she gives ladies some advice on the dating scene here in Puerto Rico, and some tips for all you girls on how to get the Boricua man of your dreams. Here’s some more from Madonna, in her own words:
Well, I have another one for you. I easily get bored as you can see and start to passively vent. I wrote this while waiting for my one-way ticket outta this joint… if only it were true (jk). Wrote this one while waiting for a flight and doing people-watching. I just couldn’t help but notice the massive extravagances of couples, women and men here. Maybe I’m just too conservative? I highly doubt it but, let me know what you think of it.
So let’s do it, girl. Fire away!
Dating Tips For Women in Puerto Rico: How To Get Your Own Latin Lover! – By Madonna
I’m back with some more lifestyle tips and guidelines to survive PR. I Hope my last article helped you out and gave you some useful advice on surviving the inimitable experience of driving in Puerto Rico – if not, well then I hope you used a Plan B, which would essentially be to run the fuck away!
Well, I’ve gotten many requests and questions on how is the dating life in PR. So worry no more, I’m here to give you all the juicy details…
Dating Tips for Women in Puerto Rico: The Puerto Rico Dating Scene
For lack of a better example to relate it to, I would have to say that – in general – the dating scene here in Puerto Rico is similar to a Discovery Channel Special on mating rhinos.
You may have seen Bachster’s grandiose video analysis of La Loka Bailando. If so, then you’re one step ahead of the game! So I hope you took some notes on that one, as they will come in handy while reading through this one.
Today, I will be giving advice for all the mamichongalicious (ladies) out there. Many of my friends want to snatch a hot macho Latino and to feel the thrust of a Latin lover, with all the included perks of being spoiled by a guy like this next educated, non-threatening, gorgeous and charming guy…
However, the only way to get a hot badass Puerto Rican guy is to act like a Puerto Rican girl. As such, these are the things I’ve seen so far that work, in terms of Puerto Rican dating standards, rules and regulations… I guess.
Dating Tips for Women in Puerto Rico: Hair, Clothes & Accessories
First, in order to look legit here, you have to own a Tous bag. It’s like the Hermes Birkin handbag of the island but more affordable. And it’s even more affordable, of course, if you get the imitation. Every badass bitch has to have one in order to be successful in their exploration!or
Moving on… Ladies, whatever size of clothing you normally use, reduce it to a size five times smaller – the tighter, the better. Men love to see that delicious muffin top, discern the bulgy armpit fat sticking out from a skintight Victoria’s Secret bra, and bask in the heavenly image of a well-marked camel toe. It’s actually quite disgusting how tight their shit it… it’s so tight that there is not even enough room to fart! But hey, if a yeast infection is the type of pheromone that attracts these Macho Men, then let the baking and/or brewing begin!
Now, cleavage is a must! Butt-cleavage, stretch-mark-saggy-titty-cleavage, and just about any kind of cleavage, will get these Latin lovers to put a roofie in your drink and sweep you away to their pimped-out fairytale mansions with a Puerto Rican flag hanging proudly in their living room just above their Reggaeton CDs!
Now, if you want the stylish clothes but can’t afford to buy them all, feel entirely free to keep the tags and receipt of what you bought. After you’ve sweated your cooter off from grinding on your potential ‘date’ to the sounds of Daddy Yankee’s Gasolina, make sure you place all tags where they originally were and go back to the store for a full refund or maybe even a pair of new clothes to wear for another escapade later that night. But it’s a must to remember that some stores don’t do refunds or exchanges – such as Rainbow, Sirens, 579, Capri, Me Salve and other ‘mom and pop’ clothing stores – so avoid these stores at all costs! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
And here’s how you’re supposed to grind that body of your’s against a Boricua guy’s crotch, to increase your chances of going home with him:
The next thing you need to do is to make an appointment with your stylist and make sure you tell him/her that you want those hot pink, blue, yellow highlights with the Sonic the Hedgehog haircut shaved to one side… hmm not your style? Well then, keep it classy and treat yourself to getting your eyebrows completely shaved or waxed and then immediately tattooed with a dark color. Just make sure that your new eyebrow color DOESN’T match your actual hair color – this is very important if you wish to be successful. And if you can’t afford the tat, just get an eyebrow pencil and tell your vecina (neighbor) to pencil you in. She’ll be glad to do it!
Make sure you cake on as much makeup as possible; to the point where your neck becomes darker than your face, so that if you do end up hooking up with a Puerto Rican guy and go home with him, you’ll have enough makeup on your face to last until he kicks you out.
Also, it is of utmost importance to cover your eye-bags with some extreme white eye-shadow or concealer; men don’t want women that look like they just were tea-bagged in the eyes by the legend of Chuck Norris. So put some of that neon green eye shadow with those fake eye-lashes that have those classy diamonds hanging on them, and go get your lover!
It’s a well-known fact that men love ladies who can accessorize and are creative, so spoil yourself a bit and go to your nearest tattoo parlor and ask for the most ridiculous tattoo that the tattoo artist can come up with. Then go ahead and put it on the most visible part of your body; and get some solid extra points if you decide to get one of the following tattoos:
- Pretentious Chinese symbols that don’t mean a damn thing;
- Fairy wings on your back;
- Fairy dust on the side of your face;
- Musical notes on your neck;
- A Puerto Rican flag on your thigh or ankle, because nothing screams “Yo Soy Boricua, Pa’ Que Tu Lo Sepas!” like having your own PR flag forever engraved on your skin, as this next picture illustrates so flawlessly…
As for the rest of tattoo possibilities, here’s one good rule of thumb: As long as you get it in a visible part of your human anatomy that will prevent you from getting a decent job in a respected industry, but will rather make you a favorite to star in the next Don Omar music video, you’ll be fine.
After all, you won’t need to work since your macho badass Tony Montana-esque Boricua will spoil you to death, and you don’t even need to know where he gets that money from (hint: drug-dealer)… Because who really cares about trivial shit like that, as long as he’s thrusting you and giving you goodies!
Dating Tips For Women in Puerto Rico: Get that Money Honey!!!!!!
Welfare and federal coupons are the back-bone of the Puerto Rican socioeconomic cultural identity. Every guy wants a ‘ride or die chick‘, a girl that can hold her own through tough times and demonstrate her independence, and one that they can depend on financially – if you can only get a guy who’s not a drug-dealer. So I strongly encourage all the ladies here to pay a visit to their nearest welfare office and get taken care of by the Federal Government in the form of food stamps and unemployment monies. Just make sure that you’re not wearing your labeled JLo Jeans with that Baby Phat shirt, because your application will be denied!or
Now, if you really want an even easier way of getting that money, just go ahead and get boned by every male within a reasonable radius, and proceed to have all their kids – the more the merrier. Then go back to the welfare office and tell them you have 18 kids and that you don’t know where their fathers are at – or just tell them that Daddy abandoned all 19 of you, which they’ll easily believe because it’s the norm here in PR.
So there you have it… Follow these tips and you’ll get the Boricua man of your dreams, the one to spoil you endlessly with treats, and the one to grow old with.
I hope these were helpful!
Disclaimer: This article is deeply embedded in satire! This is everything you SHOULDN’T do if you want to get a respectful, handsome, and educated man in your life. This is all just for entertainment. So please, don’t take it too seriously. If anything, take it to have one good laugh.