NBA Playoffs Western & Eastern Conference Finals Preview: I Heart the Spurs – The Bachster

Welcome, procrastinators. In my previous slightly prophetic rant, I accurately predicted that the almighty Spurs would keep rolling over the inferior competition, which, in my mind, is every other NBA team. Now the Spurs face their toughest challenge, what could accurately be described as the real NBA finals, since the winner should be favored over anybody in the East: The Oklahoma City Thunder.

Greatness in the making.

NBA Western Conference Finals Preview: San Antonio Spurs vs. Oklahoma City Thunder

I guess it should give the Spurs organization pride in knowing that they are basically going up against themselves. The Thunder was built using the Spurs as a model, building a team through the draft, valuing being in a small market, and not looking for controversy on purpose. They have a legit Superstar in Kevin Durant, a legit second wheel in Russell Westbrook and a left handed sparkplug coming out the bench in James Harden. And also, they have, (Gulp!), Serge Ibaka.

The Bachster has a man crush on this Congolese man-cake!

This combination of starts, notwithstanding The Bachster’s man crush, is eerily familiar to the Spurs combination of Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Gino-fuckin’-bili.

I heart Ginobili.

I feel confident in saying that the Thunder is a great up-and-coming organization with all the tools needed to be serious contenders for the next five-plus years – possibly more. But San Antonio is playing a level of basketball possibly not seen since Jordan’s last days with the Bulls.

San Antonio is playing basketball as it’s meant to be played, putting an emphasis on passing, cutting, dishing to the open man, limiting turnovers, a deep bench and the best coaching available. As I advised Derrick Rose in my last article (which I’m positive he read and took it to heart), Durant will have the league all to himself… But not quite yet.

Prediction: Spurs in 5

I love you, you ugly bug-eyed superhero, you.

NBA Eastern Conference Finals Preview: Boston Celtics vs. Miami Heat

On the other side of the aisle, I unfortunately had a premature ejaculation, thinking that the Miami Heat would falter after being down 2-1 against the Indiana Pacers.

"I’m sorry, baby... It’s just that the prospect of the Heat losing really turns me on."

LeBron James and Dwayne Wade had unbelievable performances in games 4, 5 and 6. They shouldered their cough, vomit, cough team on their shoulders and willed themselves to win… in six games… in the second round of the playoffs. Against an inexperienced but scrappy team with a 7’2” center who doesn’t seem so realize he’s taller than everybody else.

Hibbert has his feet planted in the ground in this picture, yet still managed 8 points in some games.

Alas, entitlement’s favorite team survives another round, and the grotesque experiment in teaming up “superstars” with a bunch of bench warmers and hoping that they can take over games consistently and win the Finals lives on another day.

Next up is the Celtics, who just got out of an ugly seven game series against Philadelphia, and are determined to ride their last merry-go-round as far as they can go.

The Celtics are tall, tough, defensive minded and have played the Superfriends before. It should be another tough and physical series, which might possibly cause another round of injuries. Hopefully, these injuries will all fall on Dwayne Wade. (No “D-Wade” for me thanks. I’m not sucking an athlete’s dick with catchy names, unless their demeaning, like Bosh Spice.)

The Bachster died a little after seeing this picture.

But alas, this shallow and unworthy generations defining team, the Superfriends, are just as good defensively and much more athletic than the Celtics, who must be feeling some wear and tear after their last series. And as a plus, the Heat can always count on the great mastermind Erik Spoelstra for great leadership!

Leadership!

How can anybody root for a team that allows such a blatant disrespect to its coach? Can anybody picture a player on the Celtics or Spurs going off on Doc Rivers or Gregg Popovich like this? Why is this team so beloved when it’s full of self-serving jerks? Is this all just a conspiracy to make it even sweeter when they fall of the cliff again, just like last year’s NBA’s finals?

Yes, I will continue to bring this up, because how you perform in the big stage is the definition of greatness, not claiming that you are. But this conversation will come on another day.

Prediction: The Superfriends should win in 6. 

And another angel will lose its wings on that day.

What a disgrace.

See you before the Finals, you disgusting, self-absorbed, entitled slackers!

YouTube Legends: Yankees Tribute

The New York Yankees are the best thing that’s ever happened to mankind, right next to air conditioner, Manifest Destiny, and Flavor Flav.

So yeah, it’s been an abhorrent and busy week at work, so I’m really sorry about the lack of posts here recently — your weekday at work must have been overwhelmingly boring and tedious, I know. You must also thanks our columnists, who are taking the art of procrastination to new and unprecedented levels of unproductivity and laziness.

Still, not unlike our current system of Government and elected politicians, you bastards get what you deserve…

I have to eat. Hence, I have to work. As such, since you idiots haven’t been clicking enough on the ads on the site for me to quit my daily job as a lawyer, I have to keep on destroying lives and souls  in order to have a stream of steady income.

You’re getting what you’re paying for…

Nonetheless, as I write this, The New York Yankees — God’s gift to humans — are playing the decisive game 5 of the 2011 ALDS against the pedophiles and alcoholics of the Detroit Tigers.

With that in mind, I consider it a must to create some good karma and honor the Yankees with this next amazingly awesome video of the Yankees most recent Dynasty, in our latest installment of YouTube Legends:

You better fucking watch this…

Baseball – along with Basketball, Boxing, and Soccer (the real Football) – is my favorite sport. I like watching American Football as well, but come on, let’s get real; it’s a sport for dumb people… as Jim Bouton once said, “Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?”

Allow me to rant a bit on Football… It’s based on a premise where teams of steroidal neanderthals, run around hitting and pounding each other in their heads, chest, limbs, and groin-area, until someone dies, concusses, loses an eye, is rendered a vegetable, or develops the brain of a 70 year-old Alzheimer’s patient while still in their mid-40s.

It’s a sport for beasts and animals, but hey, it’s entertaining… Boxing’s a science and “the hardest and most finite sport to master” — as MMA Legend Frank Shamrock explains in the video below — so it gets an exception on its inherent brutality, in my book.

On the other hand, Baseball is the most sophisticated and intellectually advanced sport. It is the exception of the sports world rather than the rule, because it is an individualistic team sport ruled by unwritten rules, superstitions, statistics, numbers, social connotations, hypocrisy, Barry Bonds’ head, and a new wave of players that not only inject into their bodies all sorts of designed-for-Jaws steroids, they also insert PEDs into their names (see: PEDroia, Dustin).

This ADD generation complains that Baseball is “too boring”, or “too slow”, or “the games take forever”, or “I don’t know if I should tuck in my penis like Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs,” etc… And yes, these are the same people that: DVR/TIVO cultured TV Shows like The Jersey Shore[2. Okay, I do that one too.]; refuse to read books; hate math; vote for people like Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann; liked Transformers 3; love their guns because “dammit, it says so in the Second Amendment”[3. Even if that document also says that black people are worth 3/5 as much as their white counterparts]; still want President Obama to show his Birth Certificate; Believe in the conspiracy theories that claim 9/11 was an inside job…

I mean, I could go on and on, but I think you get where I’m going with this. However in case you don’t, because you prefer the National Football League[4. Anyone else ever noticed how every NFL Analyst refuses to say "NFL" when talking about football? As if saying "National Football League" makes their analysis the best piece of inventive and ingenious work since Einstein and Oppenheimer teamed up for the Manhattan Project...], well here’s a list — in no particular order — of then ten reasons baseball is the best sport.

"Did you see the vicious hit James Harrison put on Jay Cutler… Cutler was rendered paralyzed for the rest of his life. It was AWESOME!... BTW, Mike, did you order those spicy wings yet? I finally found Brett Favre’s penis pictures online, and they got me hungry..."

We start off with Part I; our first five reasons baseball’s the greatest sport…

Ballparks and Stadiums

It’s the only sport where Stadiums and Ballparks have their own personality, mystique, and legendary attributes that make them unique and a renowned part of a city’s tradition:

Old Yankee Stadium: The House that Ruth Built, Mystique, Aura, Monument Park, DiMaggio, Ruth, Mantle, Gehrig, Jeter, Rivera…

Fenway Park: The Green Monster; Manny Ramirez’s piss marks on The Green Monster; The creeeepiest song in the history of modern civilization (Sweet Caroline); David Ortiz and the stash of HGH and Steroids he conceals under home plate; and the most unreasonable, stupid, drunkest, and most-likely-to-commit-a-felony-after-the-game fans.[5. For the record, I'm a Yankees fan, in case you couldn't tell.]

Wrigley Field: The “leafy” outfield walls, The Cubbies, The lovable losers, Billy Goat, Harry Caray, Take Me Out to the Ball Game during the “7th Inning Stretch”…

And those are only but a few of them, there’s also many timeless parks and stadiums – some of which don’t exist anymore – like Polo Grounds and its unusual field measurements, with the left and right-field walls as close as 250 feet, and the center-field wall nearly 500 feet from home plate; a distance no player ever reached with a fly ball, while playing at Polo Grounds.

Willie Mays, The Catch, and the 483 sign in 1954.

Math, Statistics and Advanced Metrics

It’s science, and as such, it is beyond contestation.

Baseball is the only sport where boring and useless stuff like math, statistics, and advanced metrics, have actually proven to measure almost beyond refute, the individual performance of any given player and their particular tangible worth to their respective teams…

Which also sucks to a certain extent, because now all arguments with your friends about which player is better than the other can be settled by checking out the WAR Leaders on Fangraphs.com, or just tweeting your question to Keith Law, who’ll settle your argument, but not without first throwing some snark at you to show you that he’s really fucking smart.

We’ll have more on those advanced stats and Sabermetrics for you dummies during the rest of our week of baseball.

It’s a Game for the Family

Baseball is also the most family oriented game.

In the vast majority of cases it’s played outdoors, and provides a unique opportunity other sports can’t; because it allows people to “rest” in between innings, and go buy some salty Hot Dogs and extra-fatty Nachos with Cheese, for a measly price that’s anywhere between $24 and $57 per food item.

"Get your Hot Dogs and Chili Cheese Fries... and we'll throw you the heart attack for free, you fucking fatty!"

Going to a baseball game with the whole family on a Saturday afternoon is one of the most enjoyable experiences you’ll ever have… well unless of course, you grew up in a household where your parents made Ike Turner look like the Dalai Lama; in which case it’s understandable if attending Dodgers weekend games with the family wasn’t your thing growing up.

But hey, if you’d rather go to an “Arena”, like Staples Center, and gander at fake boobs, try to score with some neglected-at-home housewives, show your trophy wife around for everyone to eye-fuck, or take pictures of Kim Kardashian with your IPhone and then post them on Facebook with the headline: “Kim Kardashian @ Lakers game!!!!11 OMG!!!!1!”, then by all means, knock yourself out.

"Khloe, look! It's a black rapper/athlete! Let's give him a handjob!"

Pedro Martinez

I’m a die-hard, cry-when-they-lose, cocky, and irrational Yankees fan, but even I preach the Gospel of Pedro Martinez and his greatness.

This man epitomizes the game of baseball; as a player, and as a person. Yes, he wasn’t perfect in neither of those two areas, but I can unequivocally say that the world of sports will never see another player or personality like Pedro Martinez.

As a player, he’s probably the greatest in his prime pitcher of all-time. He dominated baseball, right at the peak of the Steroids Era, and posted some of the most amazing numbers ever by a pitcher during his prime.[6. Highlighted by his inhuman 1999 and 2000 seasons.]

As a personality of the game, I mean… This is the guy that threw Don Zimmer to the ground, after Zimmer charged Pedro for deliberately throwing at Karim Garcia’s fucking head, during an ALCS playoff game against the Yankees… Here’s the hilarious take on that incident, from the geniuses at FunnyorDie.com:

Pedro’s the guy that once said, “I don’t believe in damn curses. Wake up the damn Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I’ll drill him in the ass.”

He had one of the most stirring relationships ever with the unrelenting and unforgiving Yankees fans. A relationship that escalated to the point where Pedro, in a post-game press conference after a tough loss to the Yankees, shocked the baseball word by saying, “They beat me. They’re that good right now. They’re that hot. I just tip my hat and call the Yankees my daddy.”

However, Pedro always showed the ability to take adversity in stride, and never lose perspective of the things that for him meant more than a mere baseball rivalry. He rationalized another tough playoff loss against the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS[7. This. Series. Never. Happened... Capisce?!], with a very unique and heart-felt perspective. As he walked off the mound after being taken out of the game, Yankee Fans SHOWERED him with boos and mocking chants, so at the post-game press conference, reporters asked him how it felt to be the target of Yankee fans’ hate, Pedro simply said the following:

I actually realized that I was somebody important, because I caught the attention of 60,000 people, plus the whole world, watching a guy that if you reverse time back 15 years ago, I was sitting under a mango tree without 50 cents to pay for a bus.

But that’s not it, Pedro was also one of the most thoughtful, and honorable guys in the game, who never shun the spotlight, always wanted the ball in big games, refused to blame his teammates or throw stupid managers under the bus after tough losses (see: Little, Grady), and loved nothing more than a good battle against a hard-to-get-out hitter and competing against the best opposition the game had to offer.

At the risk of George Steinbrenner paying me a “visit” from the dead to ask me about my love for Pedro, I conclude with this next story…

One time, years after his prime, when he was already in decline as a pitcher, Pedro was battling the then pesky and relentless Anaheim Angels. It was the seventh inning on a humid night game in Anaheim, or so I remember, and Pedro was in the middle of a pitcher/batter duel against the little-tiny-gritty-gutty David Eckstein[8. Eckstein's so short and meek, that he makes Dustin PEDroia look like Manute Bol.], who kept fouling off Pedro’s pitches, and the count reached full without Pedro being able to put Eckstein away.

Finally, after approximately 15 pitches, Eckstein flied out to left-field. As Eckstein made his way back to the dug-out, he took a route that had the pitcher’s mound as its mid-point. When he approached the mound, he passed close enough for Pedro to nod respectfully at him, and give him baseball’s customary job-well-done-pat-in-the-buttocks with his pitching glove, as if to say, “Great battle, man. I really enjoyed that one.”[9. Baseball being the game it is, where a good batter is one who fails only 70% of the time, pitchers really respect not only those good batters, but those who make you work for their out.] That’s the closest thing you’ll ever see to a tie, in a game of baseball — if you don’t count the 2002 All-Star game.

Nobody loved competing more than Pedro, nobody exemplified the game and values of baseball better than him, and for that, I will always be thankful that I got to watch Pedro Martinez play; before, after, and during his prime.

Baseball Quotes

Baseball has the best quotes of any sport.

From the player’s themselves, to sportswriters who’ve been around the game for generations, and all sorts of personalities like Robert Frost, Walt Whitman, and Humphrey Bogart, no game provides better material for introspective, reflecting and philosophical thoughts and contemplations, than baseball…

See what I mean about baseball? Without a question, its has the smartest fans with the most clever, funny, and demeaning insults... Meanwhile, chances are a Packers fan would insult with stuff like, "Hey Brady, you suck!", or "Hey Ref, you look like a Zebra!"

Here’s like a hundred of those quotes:

Mike Royko:

Hating the New York Yankees is as American as apple pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.

A. Bartlett Giamatti:

It breaks your heart.  It is designed to break your heart.  The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.

Ted Williams:

Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. Ted Williams

Paul Gallico:

No game in the world is as tidy and dramatically neat as baseball, with cause and effect, crime and punishment, motive and result, so cleanly defined.

Walt Whitman:

I see great things in baseball.  It’s our game – the American game.  It will take our people out-of-doors, fill them with oxygen, give them a larger physical stoicism.  Tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set.  Repair these losses, and be a blessing to us.

Rogers Hornsby:

I don’t want to play golf.  When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.

Humphrey Bogart:

That’s baseball, and it’s my game.  Y’ know, you take your worries to the game, and you leave ‘em there.  You yell like crazy for your guys.  It’s good for your lungs, gives you a lift, and nobody calls the cops.  Pretty girls, lots of ‘em.

Reggie Jackson:

Every hitter likes fastballs, just like everybody likes ice cream.  But you don’t like it when someone’s stuffing it into you by the gallon.  That’s what it feels like when Nolan Ryan’s thrown balls by you.

Robert Frost: 

Poets are like baseball pitchers.  Both have their moments.  The intervals are the tough things.

Cy Young: 

Pitchers, like poets, are born not made.

Time magazine:

Ideally, the umpire should combine the integrity of a Supreme Court judge, the physical agility of an acrobat, the endurance of Job and the imperturbability of Buddha.

Mickey Mantle:

During my 18 years I came to bat almost 10,000 times.  I struck out about 1,700 times and walked maybe 1,800 times.  You figure a ballplayer will average about 500 at bats a season.  That means I played seven years without ever hitting the ball.

Saul Steinberg: 

Baseball is an allegorical play about America, a poetic, complex, and subtle play of courage, fear, good luck, mistakes, patience about fate, and sober self-esteem.

Tim McCarver (who caught all of Steve Carlton’s games):

When Steve and I die, we are going to be buried in the same cemetery, 60-feet 6-inches apart.

Tons more of baseball quotes in here… Check back tomorrow for the rest of our reasons baseball’s the best sport.

Dammit, Tommy! Wake up! It’s time for your lecture…

It’s been a while, but finally, it’s here… Your favorite running column on the World Wide Web – other than all the columns centered on the infinite number of STDs that the Jersey Shore cast members pass around every episode – the Lecture to Our Readers.

This week, there are a couple of things I want to educate you about…

Number 1: Fuck You

Fuck you. Yeah, that’s right, fuck each and every single one of you.

In the immortal words of Silky Johnston: “I hate you. I hate you. I don’t even know you, and I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and nobody else but you.”

Good. Now that that’s settled we can continue.

Number 2: Ads

Yup, it’s that time now. After almost two months since the creation of this procrastination-friendly website, we’ve finally decided to put some ads on the site.

So like everyone who’s ever paid student loans, we regret to inform you that your grace period it’s over. (Editor’s Note: Students at the University of Puerto Rico who are reading this, you won’t understand what I mean when I talk about student loans and grace periods, because you’ve probably never taken one out, so just keep on reading, and forget I ever mentioned that.)

All proceeds from our website will go to a charity fund dedicated to helping students like these, pay for the exorbitant, preposterous, and outrageous tuition costs of the University of Puerto Rico… Cue in Mariah: “And then a hero comes along…” Yup, the hero? that’s me.

It’s time you unproductive creatures start making me money.

All the revenue from advertisements will be going towards charity (my wallet), but I do promise – from the bottom of my heart – to share all the expenses we incur, with you. It’s the least I can do, so go ahead and email me your credit card information… And no, I’m no hero, but thank you.

Anyways, if you see any banners advertising penis enlargement procedures endorsed by Ron Jeremy, you better damn well click on them. Those ads serve a purpose and noble objective, and your girlfriend (or boyfriend, if you like penis instead of vagina) will thank you for it later.

“Get those extra inches… and make her go, mmm, mmm, mmm… But wait! Call now and we’ll quadruple your penis size, for free! That’s right, seventeen inches of cock, for the price of 4 inches… Call Now!”

Seriously, this ad thing is an ever-developing concept, so we would really appreciate any and all feedback from you guys. If the ads bother you, we really don’t care, as long as you keep coming back.

But if there’s anything we can do, to enhance your procrastination experience while reading our site, don’t hesitate to let us know how we can make that happen

PS. Make. Me. Money… Dammit!

Number 3: Participation

We’re gonna show a bit of our humanitarian side, and help you, in helping us, make shitloads of money.

How can you do that, you ask? Easy. We’ve introduced a couple of new pages to help you do just that…

A Forum Page, so you can have another excuse to waste time, procrastinate, and blame us when you’re eventually fired for being more unproductive and worthless than the whole excruciating experience of going to church on Sundays.

I don’t always talk on the phone on Sundays, but when I do, I have phone sex with girls with perky boobs… You can go to church and talk to an invisible man… We’ll let God decide who had the worthless Sundays.

So go there, register, and start discussing and talking about all sorts of transcendent stuff like:

• Encourage clinically-depressed individuals to commit suicide, or go to a Tea Party rally, in the alternative;
• Share your stories about cheating on your wife;
• Find someone to cheat on your wife with;
• Tell us your tales of drunken debauchery and nights full of belligerent behavior that resulted in waking up the next day with an unusual pulsating pain in the area where that hole in your ass resides;
• Share unreleased versions of legendary Paris Hilton songs;
• Post videos of you, motor-boating pictures of Heidi Montag’s latest breast implants;
• Discuss the 683 levels of stupidity in a Michael Bay movie;
• Share your Facebook-stalking stories, about a particular girl you like, and whom you’ll probably end up decapitating out of frustration when she rejects your advances for the umpteenth time.
• Create a countdown of days left, before an underage celebrity turns 18 and you can masturbate thinking about them without making God mad, or search for nude pictures of them without being referred to the US Department of Justice.
• Generate threads where members can play all sorts of education-oriented games like:
  • Fuck, Marry, Kill;
  • Guess the Fattiest Girl Bill Clinton Ever Fucked;
  • How Many Shots of Ever-Clear Do You Need Before Agreeing To Butt-Fuck Snooki;

“Fuck, Marry, Kill: Catholic Pedophile Priest Edition… Only at CleveredFool.com”

So there, in essence, you can go there to discuss the shit out of random stuff – The type of stuff that reflects the current cultural deterioration and imminent decline of the United States of America. So I know, that you know what to do.

Another thing you can do to help us make money, is to write for us.

If you’re passionate about procrastination, consider yourself funny and a loser (a Clevered Fool), and your time-wasting and unproductivity partaking at work is responsible for more losses in revenue, and expenses incurred by your employer, than sexual-harassment settlements involving Isaiah Thomas, then you might just be the kind of guy or girl that we’re looking for.

So go ahead and click on our Contact Us page, and tell us a bit about yourself, and about how you can contribute to my “Savings for the 200’ Yacht” Bank Account, at Lehman Brothers (Member FDIC).

Disclaimer: If you’re a girl, and you’re hot, you must have phone sex with me before you start writing for us… I’m a firm believer in the often misunderstood altruistic concept of Prima-Nocte.

Attention Upscale Hoes: If you want to write for us, you better not be a fatty, and I reserve all Prima Nocte rights… Yes, that includes you too, William Wallace.

Number 4: This Week At CleveredFool.com

We’ll be introducing a new, experimental series of articles called, This Week at CleveredFool.com, where we devote an entire week to a certain topic of interest in the world of Sports, Politics, Entertainment, Movies, TV, Sex & Relationships, Celebrities, and all the random stuff that pops into our heads.

This week we’ll be talking about sports, a subject that I’m quite passionate about but have completely ignored, mainly due to my initial shock at learning about the biggest impending threat to America’s future.

Our first venture into this ground-breaking feature will be specifically about Baseball. We’ll post a series of articles during the week, on some of the current and relevant issues in the world of Baseball.

The only thing Baseball’s new wave of advanced metrics and statistics hasn’t been able to do… Measure the WAR (Wins Above Replacement) of Barry Bonds’ Epcot Ball-sized head.

Here’s the schedule for this week’s 5-Part Series Extravaganza:

Tomorrow: Why Baseball Is The Best Sport…

Wednesday: Baseball Sabermetrics for Dummies: Batting Stats

Thursday: Baseball Sabermetrics for Dummies: Pitching Stats

Friday: Baseball Sabermetrics for Dummies: Defensive Stats

Saturday: WAR, VORP & The Current State of Baseball

Disclaimer: Schedule subject to change at my own selfish convenience and discretion, depending on the amount of laziness running through my veins this week, which will probably be a lot.

Lastly, we will of course have a couple posts thrown here and there, about other current stuff that’s making news in the World.

“Also, in news from Third-World Countries, the website CleveredFool.com, is creating controversy amongst Feminist Groups by advocating the return of Prima Nocte rights, with this painting by Vasiliy Polenov, with the headline: ‘Come to Papa’… From New York, this is Katie Couric, CBS News.”

And yes, our most prized assets, our experts in adding insult to injury (our columnists), will also give you the great stuff they usually write about… Porn; The Stupidity of America; Hating and More Hating; and Nights Spent Stalking Fat Girls at the Local CVS or Walgreens Pharmacy Store.

Good stuff, indeed.

Number 5: YouTube Legends

We haven’t had one of these since the days that a young Ron Paul hunted Mammoths and Saber-Tooth Cats, as part of a healthy diet that emphasized the consumption of bone-marrow from animals.

So without further a due, we conclude our educational lecture this evening, with this hilarious YouTube Legend…

This one’s from the hilarious HBO Comedy show produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, Eastbound and Down… For those of you not familiar with it, it stars Danny McBride as Kenny Powers, a former MLB pitcher with an attitude problem and a career full of crazy antics, who goes back to his hometown to work as a substitute gym teacher.

Even if you haven’t watched the show, you’ll still be able to enjoy the video. I’ve only seen like two episodes and I almost levitated from laughing so hard… Okay, maybe not levitate, but I did move to the other side of the couch to get more comfy.

Gregg made Ortiz fly out to right field, and then told him to run the bases.

And Ortiz — probably because he’s fat, lazy, and didn’t wanna have to do any exercise — got angry at Gregg for having the nerve of telling him to run, and charged at him.

Can you say: S-T-E-R-O-I-D-S?

We certainly can!

Exhibit A:

Need any other reason, for why the Yankees are the best team in the history of the human-kind?

Part I: A Couple Of Site Updates First…

1. Daily News Section.

Today we’ll be introducing a new blog section, that us pioneers decided to call it the following ground-breaking name: Daily News.

There, you’ll find the news of the day that we decide worthy of sharing with you greedy bastards (I’m still driving that Lumina, start making me money, dammit!).

You’ll see the section near the header of the site, where you can select from many categories that feed your procrastination appetite — from Entertainment, Sports, and Politics, to Naked Cartoons (kidding… maybe).

They way it’ll work is, we’ll post the link to the site where you can read the news story (damn you, intellectual property), then we’ll give a quick reaction of ours, and then you can do the rest and go check it out in it’s entirety.

Yup, you'll finally be able to see links on our website to news about Sarah Palin... Oh shit! I just realized what it says there too. It was supposed to say, clicks -- 3 invisible clicks. As in, click 3 times so the site gets more hits, and ergo, more money for me... Damn you, Microsoft Spell-Check!... I mean, I love Sarah! I think she's the hottest MILF out there!

We’ll keep humming along our clever/foolish posts for your unquestionable enjoyment. But we figured we can still keep you bored in between posts, with mindless and shallow news stories.

And speaking of posts…

2. Blog Contributors

Hopefully, today we’ll be posting our first ever Contributor’s post. Keep an eye up for that later today.

With that, and without further a due, our Part 2 of this post…

Part 2: MLB Midseason Award Winners…

Jon Heyman, from SI.com, just made his midseason MLB awards picks, and I’m sad to say that I agree with most of them. Not necessarily with his order (he has them from 1st-3rd place), but with his picked winners.

Here they are:

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez  1B — Boston Red Sox

My Take: As much as it pains me to give any sort of props to a motherfuc… (note to self: save the f*cks for when appropriate), Red Sox player, I have to agree with Heyman here.

The numbers are just flat-out nasty, and Gonzalez has been the force in the middle of that Red Sox’s lineup.

He’s even revived the dead (i.e. David Ortiz), so he’s got Jesus-like powers — And everyone knows, you don’t fuck (there) with a magician of the caliber of Jesus.

AL Cy Young: Justin Verlander SP — Detroit Tigers

My Take: Whoever disagress with this pick, needs to check into Bellevue. Or become a member of the Tea Party.

It’s the same thing.

Tea Party congregation... Though I don't see the "Vote for Voldemort" signs.

AL Rookie of the Year: Michael Pineda SP — Seattle Mariners

My Take: Where the heck do the Mariners find these pitchers? MLB should check up on what kind of operation they’re running down there in the Dominican Republic.

I think the Mariners Lab Team might be trying some unabashedly evilly genius human experiments down there…

Let’s get on this, people. Only the Yankees are allowed to cheat, dammit!

AL Manager of the Year: Manny Acta — Cleveland Indians

My Take: Damn you, Heyman. What the hell’s the matter with you? Huh?

It’s not Acta, it’s not Joe Girardi — it’s Girardi’s binder!

Don’t you see how that beautiful thing turns a reasonable baseball person, into the ultimate micro-managing destroyer of baseball games.

Please, dude, at least watch a baseball game every once in a while.

What's that on Girardi's hands? Seems even rarer than the Holy Grail... Get Dan Brown in here, stat! We gotta figure out how to get a hold of that!

Now the NL picks… Actually, no, I don’t give a stinking pile of elephant dung (as in I don’t give a shit), about the NL.

It’s little league baseball, people — AAAA.

Jose Canseco and Phil Rizzuto would be the heavy favorites for NL MVP, were they playing in NL these days, and Rizzuto’s unavailable to play, as in, he’s very much dead.

My Take: NL fans, get a life — And a real baseball league to follow, while you’re at it.

Jamie Moyer's baseball card back during the Great Depression days... He pitched last year for the Phillies, at 48 years old (in latino baseball player years), and sported an ERA in the high 4s -- Well above the Javy Vazquez-line for pitching atrocity... Let's get our seniors to start pitching in the NL. That's how you solve the Social Security problem.