Life In Puerto Rico: Puerto Rican Men vs. US Guys – Dating Comparison

Sheeeee’s back! Our newest girl columnist Madonna, is here once again to grace our procrastination endeavors with some of her patented efforts in the art of adding insult to injury towards the forsaken island, and crime capital of the world: Puerto Rico… This time, she continues her exploration of the Puerto Rican culture, with another installment on the dating scene in Puerto Rico, and honors us with a rendering of the differences between Puerto Rican Men and American guys…

As always, here’s Madonna herself enlightening us on what compelled her to write this next article comparing – from a women perspective, of course – the dating scene in Puerto Rico and the US, and the differences between Puerto Rican men and American Guys:

I’m currently not on the island and you know what that means…a new article! It’s been forever since I’ve written for CleveredFool.com… I just haven’t had my creative juice flowing. I will say though, I’ve seen some really crazy shit happening in Puerto Rico lately. Recently, I was in Plaza Escorial (Editor’s Note: also known as, Cacolandia) and I helped catch a pathetic, but good looking and clean-cut thief, who was stealing a “Totto” (hilarious) fanny pack (even more hilarious!). As a reward, Wal-Mart gave me a $50 gift certificate because they were shocked that I actually told them… Apparently, most people here in PR don’t say anything when they see shit like that going on… Wooohoo! I felt like a true Samaritan!

Life In Puerto Rico: Puerto Rican Men vs. US Guys – Dating Comparison — By Madonna

While I was waiting for my latest flight outta here, I decided to compare and contrast US guys and Puerto Rican men according to experience…

Puerto Rican Men Funny

(Picture Credit: Lab2112 – Luis Bueno)

Anyways, here’s a list of the dating differences between Puerto Rican Men & American Men…

Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – American Men in the Tristate Area

I miss my Tristate area guys!

They have their own style, persona, and a swag that’s so different from the majority of the Puerto Rican men here – another reason why I need to move back, but not before I take advantage of the island’s stupidity to reach that top spot on the Forbes 400 Listbuahahahaha (evil laugh).

Here’s a quick background of American men, based on my dating experiences with them:

  • American men keep their nails, hands, and feet, neat and trimmed.
  • US guys dress well at all times, and they especially dress suitably according to the occasion.
  • Of course, every American guy loves their car, but before they love their car, they love themselves first.
  • Believe it not, but chivalry still exists within these tough NY guys. Chivalry amongst American guys is at its best in the South especially.
  • Most single American guys between 25-35 years of age don’t have kids, and if they do, the they have at the most one or two kids.
  • Sex… well… it depends on the particular race here. You have your Italian-Americans, African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, Filipino-Americans, etc. These kinds of American guys are mixed with their soft, gentle, and non-rhythmic interlude (gringo pendejo side), and then towards the finale… they end it all how an animal ends it – boning your brains out and… DONE!

By the way, that last whole scenario on average lasts a solid 5 minutes, so you better make ‘em count, girls! (That’s something my boys need to work on.)

Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Hygiene

Alright, are you girls ready for this? Are you sure? Okay… Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Puerto Rican men do not – I repeat, DO NOT – keep their nails neat or trimmed. It seems that somehow, someway, they always have that one long troll-nail on their hand. Ask them why they have it, and their answer tends to be something along the lines of:

  • To count money better” – Um-hum… Suspicious but okay, I guess;
  • “I need that extra inch to scratch certain areas.” – Gross;
  • “To give you pleasure” – Umm… hell to the fucking no, you don’t! You might cut my tube or give me a UTI, or even an STD… So Fuuuuck you!
  • Or just because…

The truth is… for Puerto Rican men that troll-nail encompasses their crack-sniffing finger! So don’t trust any PR guy with a long, cruddy nail — not just because it’s fucking nasty, but also because it probably means that he does indeed count lots of drug money, as the following Puerto Rican thug so proudly illustrates for us…

Puerto Rico Drug Money Funny Criminal

(AP Photo/Brennan Linsley, file)

FYI, girls… It seems that the majority of Puerto Rican men have that crack-sniffing troll-nail here. So take notice.

Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Fashion

Few Puerto Rican men dress well here in the island, but I have to say; the styles amongst Puerto Rican men are kinda extreme.

You have the dressy mix of the European gigolo shirts with the embroidery, pointy-beak shoes…  and then you have the other extreme of banging-ass jeans amalgamated with the beautiful visual spectacle of some yellow-brownish stained undies, not much unlike this next illustration of sexiness…

Funny Guy Baggy Jeans

Picture Credit: ЯAFIK ♋ BERLIN

Either way, it’s just an embarrassment waiting to happen every time Puerto Rican men step out that door to go out and murder someone, er… go to church.

Try going to a formal gala wedding where you’re all decked out in your Sunday’s best, and you see someone looking like fucking bum just rolled outta rehab with the following ensemble as clothing:

  • The added bonus of some disgracefully dirty Ecko Unltd jeans – yeah, the same one Miguel Cotto endorses.
  • A pair of Jordan sneakers – and those are clean, of course (can’t fuck up the Jordan’s).
  • Some Sean Paul dirty/unstitched turtleneck sweater – when it’s an outdoor wedding and it’s 101 degrees)
  • A huge fake blinged-out chain with a Puerto Rican flag on it – since of course, we know you’re Puerto Rican because 99.98% of the family is Puerto Rican… and you live here, too.
  • And last but certainly no least, a pair of deck out Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses – even though it’s a freaking night wedding.

After seeing that, I just wanted Zeus to strike me down with a vicious thunderbolt…

Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Cars

They might as well live inside their cars here in Puerto Rico, because most of their money is spent on pimping out a 1986 Honda Accord with blue halogen lights, a sound system featuring a bass so loud that it would kill the entire population of blue whales in the Pacific Ocean, the infamously annoying racing muffle that would make even a NASCAR redneck deaf, some flat screen TVs on the seats… and a car in your car so you can drive while you drive.

Puerto Rico Funny Pimped Cars

(Picture Credit: Buffalo Rising)

After all that, no wonder some Puerto Rican men can’t even afford a happy meal…

Okay, so maybe there’s some Puerto Rican men that don’t need to pimp out their car and already have that Aston Martin that they only park in handicapped spaces to avoid scratches… But the reality is that while his car may be nice and neat, he probably still lives with mom and dad off of government coupons, and I assure you, his room will probably look like Jesus took his last holy crap in his hot mess of a room – You think I’m kidding…

Don’t let the fancy or pimped out cars fool you ladies; it’s a cover up!

Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Chivalry

Chivalry? Who? What? You just tell that shit to them. Just tell ‘em Puerto Rican men about that word, and you’ll get this a response that will much resemble something like this…

Calle 13 Funny Deja Show

Image Credit: Tumblr

You tell them that, and they’ll think it’s a stripper’s name or Daddy Yankee’s newest reggaeton song.

If you wait for the guy to open the door, he’ll ask whether you’re too handicapped to open your own door.

You go on a date, bring your own money and expect to go Dutch, at the very least, 90% of the time. Also expect it even after you’ve been with him for 5yrs, living together, sucked his dick numerous times until it goes numb, given him sex everyday of every hour. I mean don’t get me wrong, there should be times when you plan beforehand to go Dutch, but not after you’ve completely stuffed your face.

Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Kids

Basic math: In terms of Puerto Rican men, add 2 kids for every one of the years in between the ages of 25-35… I have yet to meet a PR guy my age who doesn’t have at least 5 kids, a couple more in waiting, and 12 crazy baby-mamas as the cherry on top of their sundae!

Oh, and of course, paying endless child support – and being delinquent on them – is sort of a tribal ritual to be proud of for Puerto Rican men; I am so very sorry guys, but after that many kids and baby-mamas, your dick does us all a favor and it should just fall off, really – or better yet it should be ostracized from society!

After that many dips, the guy is tainted, so it’s extremely rare to find a guy with no baggage here. As such, my piece of advice for you girls: Run a background check on them before you get serious — Just trust me on that one.

Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Sex

Now, at this point you may think I dislike all Puerto Rican men! But you’re wrong!

I Heart Puerto Rican Men Keychain

(Picture Credit: Zazzle)

You guys are conquistadores in the sex department! All that romantic Spanish sweet-talking you do will automatically get a flood going in any woman’s panties – no matter the age.

For all I know, you could be calling me a fat slob in Spanish and I wouldn’t have the slightest idea about what the fuck you’re saying. As long as everything you’re saying is in Spanish, I don’t care… It’s just so damn sexy! It feels like I’m riding Antonio Banderas when these Puerto Rican men do their romantichy talk in Spanish.

Oh, and the hip movements that are involved during the event are, in a word: Glorious… I guess that, in hindsight, all that Reggaeton music and perreo-dancing is good for something other than to incite violence and demean women…

Puerto Rico Reggaeton Perreo Dancing

So there, you see? I love me some Puerto Rican men after all!

(Editor’s Disclaimer: Our girl Madonna does NOT hate Puerto Rico… She only hates Puerto Ricans that give Puerto Rico a bad name. So please, try and properly comprehend and evaluate the tone, sarcasm, and satire behind her compelling, realistic, and hilarious takes on her experiences as a newbie on the current shitty state of affairs of this forsaken island… In other words, don’t be an idiot if your gonna comment. And if you’re from Puerto Rico, and you get offended by this article, as it’s happened before — and again — then you should immediately get that stick out of your ass and recognize that you are, precisely, a part of the problem.)

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28 Responses to “Life In Puerto Rico: Puerto Rican Men vs. US Guys – Dating Comparison”

  1. Mz.N
    February 18, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    I love me some boricuas too… Hip movement and the extra inch where it is needed… Mm hmm… I’m going to get me some right now…

    • CleveredFool
      February 18, 2012 at 8:55 pm #

      LOL! You are one serious piece of work, Mz. N.

  2. Baked mac-N-Cheese
    March 13, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

    “forsaken island”,,thats an intresting way too describe an entire Island,Well Why not just go somewhere else were you feel you might enjoy yourself more?, I was Actually wondering ?Can you write a piece on The Hipster dating Scene in Brooklyn ?The Bad Hygene & body grooming mingled with extreme amounts of drug use and pretentous behaviour seems to be Rampant and it might need to be addressed . (hipster wisdom: Im a Vegan i only eat organic,But i Do Crystal on the weekends & have un-protected poly sex.oh glory! Now if thats not Enlightenment i dont know what is?), – just sayin

  3. Boricuasssss!!!!
    January 1, 2013 at 4:41 am #

    What a bitch…. jealous bitch… u don’t have a life… I wonder u r a white race bitch that don’t have nothing else to do… im 100% Puertorican and proud of living in Puerto Rico I can go out and in to United State we r USA citizen and that y ya ppl talk shit about us…. we r the number one spanish ppl that got right in United State… Every thing u said… u know is not true… maybe u was on a Puertorican dick and he didn’t care about u at all… thats y u talk so much shit… Q VIVA PUERTO RICO Y SOY BORICUA PU~ETA PA Q TU LO SEPA… ORGULLO BORICUA!!!!!!

    • The Editor
      January 1, 2013 at 8:47 pm #

      You really didn’t help us a lot with that comment. Classy.

  4. C. Torres
    January 4, 2013 at 12:38 am #

    I’m sorry, but there’s humor, and then there is just plain insulting, vicious generalization. I mean, yeah talk about guys in jest, but to call en entire island forsaken?

    • The Editor
      January 5, 2013 at 10:17 pm #

      We have made it clear in multiple disclaimers that this is NOT meant to be taken seriously. It’s sarcasm and satire. It’s an exaggeration of the truth with quite evident hyperbolic connotations.

      Somos de Puerto Rico también — hacemos cosas como esta para reír en vez de llorar, debido a la desafortunada situación actual en la que se encuentra el país.

      De cualquier manera, respeto tu opinión y, particularmente, el hecho de que puedes ofrecerla sin recurrir a insultos o con ataques ad hominem.

    • Jdiamondz
      January 28, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

      1st my peoples r all different, 2nd yea i kno pr men do plenty of drugs, not all, 3. Every country have azzholes, sooooo yeaaaaaaa white men 2 me is no no, fey b inventing new drugz, lmaooo n so every 1 has tbeir opinions, but cast da 1st stone, if ur perfect hmmmm

  5. j flow
    January 20, 2013 at 7:13 am #

    WTF is this shit?. Am from Puerto Rico I

  6. j flow
    January 20, 2013 at 7:19 am #

    WTF is this shit?. Am from Puerto Rico I am clean as fuck ,u don’t know What u ware fuckin in Puerto Rico maybe a hobo or a dog…why u talkin shit and posting it on The internet? YOU DON’T
    KNOW US BITCH.WE KNOW HOW TO DANCE ,WE LOVE ARE WOMEN

    • The Editor
      January 20, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

      Do you honestly think that with a comment such as then one you just made, you helped us guys from PR prove that what she just said in the article is wrong?

      Somos de Puerto Rico, hermano. Esto es sátira. Es para reírse un rato.

      Cuídate.

      • Luz Calendar
        January 24, 2013 at 10:08 am #

        If you are from Puerto rico as you said… you are not doing a favor to Puerto Rico insulting the Island and its people… I feel you are just a hater hidden under any name… Frankly… shut your mouth before a puertorican find you…

  7. Soy Boricua
    March 17, 2013 at 7:15 pm #

    Where should I Start ? As a lifelong NYRican Man now living in PR 1yr I’ve definitely seen my share of sorry ass excuses for “Men” here. Not all but most, from all age groups. Men with little ambition4hardwork n lots4partying,drinking n drugging. Single or married grown men with or w/o kids still living at home with Mom n maybe Papi. Multiple Babies Mama’s n major pension(Child support)drama. Its such a problem that if the Father doesn’t pay child support the courts make his parents pay. Mind u, most of the time they lie n cheat 2Baby mama’s about income 2pay peanuts4support of their children (letting the Gov’t foot the bill) meanwhile partying like a Reggaetonero. As 4 “their women”? Look at the incredibly high incident rate of Domestic Violence (mostly Brutally severe and fatal), reported n unreported. Most of the Women and girls here suffer some form of PTSD from the way that some “PR men”(Insecure, jealous, demanding, controlling,lying,infidelity issues,disrespectful)mistreat them and just a total disregard for how a Beautiful PR woman needs and should be treated. Double standards and Great Grandfathers mentality towards todays Woman passed down from fathers to sons perpetuates a vicious cycle against their daughters, sisters, cousins.
    Enough said !
    I’am Proud to be a PR Man, I Love my PR Brothers who handle their business like Men do and I Love my PR Women !
    We just need to wake up !
    As we say here En La Isla Del Encanto,
    “Cono Despierta Boricua !”

    PS.
    Puerto Rico and it’s People are ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL !
    Especialmente cuando hablamos nuestro idioma !
    Que Viva Puerto Rico !

    • Kat
      May 22, 2013 at 9:02 pm #

      I thank you for sharing your opinion! I respect you even more for talking on behalf of the good people that live on the island… I’ve been here for almost 25 years!!!

  8. Joey rotativo
    April 7, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

    From What I Understood Was, If I Make A Joke About, White People smell Like Wet Dog, If They get Trap In a Rain Storm, And Then Say; IM Just Kidding! no-mother fucker, I ment that shit(its called kee it real!

  9. macanema
    April 21, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

    Recognizing that it’s satire, I think maybe you went too far. After all, Puerto Ricans have been downtrodden for centuries, and especially since the US takeover in ca 1900, so there’s been a disruption of culture there, even agrarian folk culture. Yes, it does seem like the brothers above discredit their own arguments by their use of debased language and obscene assertions about your motives, but they feel insulted. And the comparison to vegan hipsters is priceless. American, North American men are materialistic, smug, quietly and stealthily aggressive. Puerto Rican men may sometimes be crude, but I’ve known Boricuas who are sensitive, brilliant, funny, and talented and ambitious too. Many. So you should at least partially apologize, especially about the lack of cleanliness, I think.

  10. Puchulo
    May 16, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

    I can’t believe I read this bullshit. Seriously you say your boricua and do it for laughs and satire but your only giving us a worser reputation. You got millions of americans that fear us already when they see us walking towards them and you have to dig a deeper hole for us to climb out of and prove that we are decent loving happy people. It’s boricuas like you that give us a bad rep.

  11. Infuriated
    June 6, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

    This is complete fucking bullshit to be honest. Why the hell are you trying to make Puertoricans look like the shittiest people on fucking Earth. If anything, it’s fucking americans that are shit. I lived in Puerto Rico for ten years and I’m fucking Puertorican, and all that time that I lived over there, I would once in a blue moon see all this fucking shit you are talking about.

  12. Shana
    June 10, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    I’m neither PR or American. Am Jamaican-British. I’m thinking of booking a holiday in PR.
    I was doing some research and came across this article and i thought this author couldn’t be serious. lol never the less its insulting and its a rubbish article.

    And am still going on holiday!!!!!!!

  13. Carrie
    June 12, 2013 at 8:51 am #

    This is my opinion i like Americans and puertoricans the same … I started liking puertoricans because of my x-boyfriend but really I’ve always liked them :D

  14. Linda may
    July 28, 2013 at 3:48 pm #

    I am a white woman and I live in the USA.I am married too a full blooded…hot blooded….sexy ass Puerto Rican Man.His family lives in Puerto Rico and we see them twice a year on holidays.They are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met.People could learn a lot from them.

  15. ROBERT
    September 10, 2013 at 8:51 pm #

    I GREW UP WITH PUERTO RICANS AND TO ME THEY LOVE HAVING FUN. SIMILAR TO SOME OTHER LATINOS. MUSIC CARS SEX EDUCATION AND RELIGION. I CAN SAY I HAVENT MET A BORING PUERTO RICAN. SO MY BIGGEST COMPLIMENT WOULD BE THAT IVE NEVER BEEN BORED BEING AROUND PUERTO RICANS. IM A FUN KINDA OF GUY SO I CAN PICK UP ON PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO PARTY.ME TOO

  16. Big D
    October 2, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    There is no way to make one another happy…The only thing we can do is find ways to accept one another’s experiences and opinions…This is in itself proving to be difficult because humans are competitive, egotistical, and refuse to adjust to any major change in the process of life! I am learning myself to understand more that we are so much alike that it is kind of scary…I only can hope that each one of us can find this same understanding and then make the key effort to teach it to our children! We are what we are taught, and that is a FACT!

  17. Eddie
    October 30, 2013 at 10:11 pm #

    Well i am also from the u.s.a and was born in puerto rico in 1958 and i have seen much terrible behavior on the part of americans (white’s and boriqua’s)But the fact that you explain some truth about certain persons or your own observations of them , It realy exposes some real big flaws of your own. First of all you may have clean nails but you have a very dirty use of language and you belittle yourself by how you speak.The way you boast about your knowledge of mens dirty clothing,nails ect suggest’s that you don’t respect yourself , one could say (with all the repsect that a human being deserve’s)that you are basically a hore.You see my dear friend it’s probably not your fault that you are treating yourself this way because it’s the way you’ve learned to live , I hope this helps you to reflect on you first.PS i did’nt forget that you had said that you were just being humorous.

  18. Potato
    February 27, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

    This is the most disgustingly false article I’ve ever had the displeasure of reading. My entire family (obviously myself included) is from Puerto Rico. My boyfriend as well. I don’t mean from the states, I mean from the island. Which by the way, Puerto Ricans are American. Even the men in the casarillos (the hood) are outstandingly put together. They have nice haircuts, clean clothes, clean appearance, and are over the top hygienic. I’m not sure where in Puerto Rico you were hanging out, but this whole article is ass backwards, uneducated, and ignorant. There is trash everywhere from every ethnic background.

  19. jlove
    May 17, 2014 at 2:07 pm #

    Umm first off my fiancee is 100% puerto rican n he dnt hve a long finger nail he wrks hard n he takes care of him self… puerto ricans tke damn good care of their woman n family b4 u post shit abt a place u might wanna get ur facts straight id choose a puerto rican ovr my own n im white everyone does drugs at some point in their life bet u hve too u got good n bad every whr puerto ricans r great lovers dancers talkers kissers loyal respectful carin n everytjing a woman looks for in a man so stfu n tlk abt americans n shit tell how bad we r we do drives n kill kids we have ppl beatin n rapin kids we have mothers lettin their bfs do shit with their kids ok so tell u show me the worse of puerto ricans stfu cuz u dnt hve a clue as to wht ur tlkn abt n get the stick outta ur ass ur hatin cuz u could get a puerto rican dick

  20. Taina001
    July 27, 2014 at 4:14 am #

    Girl, you have it all wrong!!! Your experience must be limited to broke hobo-looking mfs. I think your problem is who you attract in general. It is not only unfair, but inaccurate to generalize your bs assessment of the bums you attract onto the men living on our beautiful island. Most do not have that crusty long nail. Most are also clean and we’ll-dressed. It is also a gennerally accepted fact that the men pay on dates. They are usually protective of their women. Chic, you need to slow your roll with your bs. You are not being funny or satirical. You are just hating the fact that only the 1% group of hobo bums find you attractive.

  21. Fredey_18
    July 31, 2014 at 1:17 am #

    You can clearly learn more of us by reading the comments than by reading the article. Seriously.

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