Sheeeee’s back! Our newest girl columnist Madonna, is here once again to grace our procrastination endeavors with some of her patented efforts in the art of adding insult to injury towards the forsaken island, and crime capital of the world: Puerto Rico… This time, she continues her exploration of the Puerto Rican culture, with another installment on the dating scene in Puerto Rico, and honors us with a rendering of the differences between Puerto Rican Men and American guys…
As always, here’s Madonna herself enlightening us on what compelled her to write this next article comparing – from a women perspective, of course – the dating scene in Puerto Rico and the US, and the differences between Puerto Rican men and American Guys:
I’m currently not on the island and you know what that means…a new article! It’s been forever since I’ve written for CleveredFool.com… I just haven’t had my creative juice flowing. I will say though, I’ve seen some really crazy shit happening in Puerto Rico lately. Recently, I was in Plaza Escorial (Editor’s Note: also known as, Cacolandia) and I helped catch a pathetic, but good looking and clean-cut thief, who was stealing a “Totto” (hilarious) fanny pack (even more hilarious!). As a reward, Wal-Mart gave me a $50 gift certificate because they were shocked that I actually told them… Apparently, most people here in PR don’t say anything when they see shit like that going on… Wooohoo! I felt like a true Samaritan!
Life In Puerto Rico: Puerto Rican Men vs. US Guys – Dating Comparison — By Madonna
While I was waiting for my latest flight outta here, I decided to compare and contrast US guys and Puerto Rican men according to experience…
Anyways, here’s a list of the dating differences between Puerto Rican Men & American Men…
Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – American Men in the Tristate Area
I miss my Tristate area guys!
They have their own style, persona, and a swag that’s so different from the majority of the Puerto Rican men here – another reason why I need to move back, but not before I take advantage of the island’s stupidity to reach that top spot on the Forbes 400 List… buahahahaha (evil laugh).
Here’s a quick background of American men, based on my dating experiences with them:
- American men keep their nails, hands, and feet, neat and trimmed.
- US guys dress well at all times, and they especially dress suitably according to the occasion.
- Of course, every American guy loves their car, but before they love their car, they love themselves first.
- Believe it not, but chivalry still exists within these tough NY guys. Chivalry amongst American guys is at its best in the South especially.
- Most single American guys between 25-35 years of age don’t have kids, and if they do, the they have at the most one or two kids.
- Sex… well… it depends on the particular race here. You have your Italian-Americans, African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans, Filipino-Americans, etc. These kinds of American guys are mixed with their soft, gentle, and non-rhythmic interlude (gringo pendejo side), and then towards the finale… they end it all how an animal ends it – boning your brains out and… DONE!
By the way, that last whole scenario on average lasts a solid 5 minutes, so you better make ‘em count, girls! (That’s something my boys need to work on.)
Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Hygiene
Alright, are you girls ready for this? Are you sure? Okay… Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Puerto Rican men do not – I repeat, DO NOT – keep their nails neat or trimmed. It seems that somehow, someway, they always have that one long troll-nail on their hand. Ask them why they have it, and their answer tends to be something along the lines of:
- “To count money better” – Um-hum… Suspicious but okay, I guess;
- “I need that extra inch to scratch certain areas.” – Gross;
- “To give you pleasure” – Umm… hell to the fucking no, you don’t! You might cut my tube or give me a UTI, or even an STD… So Fuuuuck you!
- Or just because…
The truth is… for Puerto Rican men that troll-nail encompasses their crack-sniffing finger! So don’t trust any PR guy with a long, cruddy nail — not just because it’s fucking nasty, but also because it probably means that he does indeed count lots of drug money, as the following Puerto Rican thug so proudly illustrates for us…
(AP Photo/Brennan Linsley, file)
FYI, girls… It seems that the majority of Puerto Rican men have that crack-sniffing troll-nail here. So take notice.
Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Fashion
Few Puerto Rican men dress well here in the island, but I have to say; the styles amongst Puerto Rican men are kinda extreme.
You have the dressy mix of the European gigolo shirts with the embroidery, pointy-beak shoes… and then you have the other extreme of banging-ass jeans amalgamated with the beautiful visual spectacle of some yellow-brownish stained undies, not much unlike this next illustration of sexiness…
Either way, it’s just an embarrassment waiting to happen every time Puerto Rican men step out that door to go out and murder someone, er… go to church.
Try going to a formal gala wedding where you’re all decked out in your Sunday’s best, and you see someone looking like fucking bum just rolled outta rehab with the following ensemble as clothing:
- The added bonus of some disgracefully dirty Ecko Unltd jeans – yeah, the same one Miguel Cotto endorses.
- A pair of Jordan sneakers – and those are clean, of course (can’t fuck up the Jordan’s).
- Some Sean Paul dirty/unstitched turtleneck sweater – when it’s an outdoor wedding and it’s 101 degrees)
- A huge fake blinged-out chain with a Puerto Rican flag on it – since of course, we know you’re Puerto Rican because 99.98% of the family is Puerto Rican… and you live here, too.
- And last but certainly no least, a pair of deck out Dolce & Gabbana sunglasses – even though it’s a freaking night wedding.
After seeing that, I just wanted Zeus to strike me down with a vicious thunderbolt…
Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Cars
They might as well live inside their cars here in Puerto Rico, because most of their money is spent on pimping out a 1986 Honda Accord with blue halogen lights, a sound system featuring a bass so loud that it would kill the entire population of blue whales in the Pacific Ocean, the infamously annoying racing muffle that would make even a NASCAR redneck deaf, some flat screen TVs on the seats… and a car in your car so you can drive while you drive.
After all that, no wonder some Puerto Rican men can’t even afford a happy meal…
Okay, so maybe there’s some Puerto Rican men that don’t need to pimp out their car and already have that Aston Martin that they only park in handicapped spaces to avoid scratches… But the reality is that while his car may be nice and neat, he probably still lives with mom and dad off of government coupons, and I assure you, his room will probably look like Jesus took his last holy crap in his hot mess of a room – You think I’m kidding…
Don’t let the fancy or pimped out cars fool you ladies; it’s a cover up!
Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Chivalry
Chivalry? Who? What? You just tell that shit to them. Just tell ‘em Puerto Rican men about that word, and you’ll get this a response that will much resemble something like this…
You tell them that, and they’ll think it’s a stripper’s name or Daddy Yankee’s newest reggaeton song.
If you wait for the guy to open the door, he’ll ask whether you’re too handicapped to open your own door.
You go on a date, bring your own money and expect to go Dutch, at the very least, 90% of the time. Also expect it even after you’ve been with him for 5yrs, living together, sucked his dick numerous times until it goes numb, given him sex everyday of every hour. I mean don’t get me wrong, there should be times when you plan beforehand to go Dutch, but not after you’ve completely stuffed your face.
Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Kids
Basic math: In terms of Puerto Rican men, add 2 kids for every one of the years in between the ages of 25-35… I have yet to meet a PR guy my age who doesn’t have at least 5 kids, a couple more in waiting, and 12 crazy baby-mamas as the cherry on top of their sundae!
Oh, and of course, paying endless child support – and being delinquent on them – is sort of a tribal ritual to be proud of for Puerto Rican men; I am so very sorry guys, but after that many kids and baby-mamas, your dick does us all a favor and it should just fall off, really – or better yet it should be ostracized from society!
After that many dips, the guy is tainted, so it’s extremely rare to find a guy with no baggage here. As such, my piece of advice for you girls: Run a background check on them before you get serious — Just trust me on that one.
Life in Puerto Rico: Dating Comparison – Puerto Rican Men & Sex
Now, at this point you may think I dislike all Puerto Rican men! But you’re wrong!
You guys are conquistadores in the sex department! All that romantic Spanish sweet-talking you do will automatically get a flood going in any woman’s panties – no matter the age.
For all I know, you could be calling me a fat slob in Spanish and I wouldn’t have the slightest idea about what the fuck you’re saying. As long as everything you’re saying is in Spanish, I don’t care… It’s just so damn sexy! It feels like I’m riding Antonio Banderas when these Puerto Rican men do their romantichy talk in Spanish.
Oh, and the hip movements that are involved during the event are, in a word: Glorious… I guess that, in hindsight, all that Reggaeton music and perreo-dancing is good for something other than to incite violence and demean women…
So there, you see? I love me some Puerto Rican men after all!
(Editor’s Disclaimer: Our girl Madonna does NOT hate Puerto Rico… She only hates Puerto Ricans that give Puerto Rico a bad name. So please, try and properly comprehend and evaluate the tone, sarcasm, and satire behind her compelling, realistic, and hilarious takes on her experiences as a newbie on the current shitty state of affairs of this forsaken island… In other words, don’t be an idiot if your gonna comment. And if you’re from Puerto Rico, and you get offended by this article, as it’s happened before — and again — then you should immediately get that stick out of your ass and recognize that you are, precisely, a part of the problem.)