Editor’s Note: In an unprecedented effort to lose as many of our readers as possible, I recently gave Mz. N the green-light to write her next post about any topic she wanted. Nothing was off-limits… And this is what happened… FYI, there aren’t any pictures of naked porn stars or anything too graphic in this post (after all, despite what many of you may reasonably believe, we are not a porn website). However, the written material is extremely NSFW, and full of sexual remarks and adult humor. So proceed at your own risk… Nevertheless, I think — in terms of the quality of the writing, unique takes, creativity, and ‘clevered’ humor — this is Mz. N’s best work so far. And those of you who are familiar with her, know that that’s saying something… Here’s the article… (and please, don’t sue us).
And just like our editor in his posts, I am going to begin with a disclaimer… This is not a list of top porn stars of all time; this is a list of MY favorite porn stars of all time. Here’s a list of the porn stars you will not get to see on this list:
1. John Holmes
Yes, he had a huge, huge, huge dong, but let’s face it… I have probably seen most of his movies, if not all, and what is the point of having a huge, huge, huge dong, if it doesn’t even look hard most of the time… (I would have still enjoyed it, but erection stability and endurance is big in my book). If Viagra had been invented in the 70’s… he probably would have made top 5.
2. Ron Jeremy
Hairy, fat, and creepy looking, need I say more? Yes, he has filmed hundreds of porn movies with beautiful women and has been around for ages – but let’s be real here; if these beautiful women weren’t being paid they wouldn’t be having sex with Ron Jeremy. And even if they are getting paid, they are probably vomiting for days after they finish their gig.
3. Carmen Luvana
Yes, I know she is Puerto Rican and I should mention her, but guess what? She is not on my list, because the only movie she filmed that I liked she was being hard-fucked by two horse-dick black men, and all she could say was “Puñeta” and “Papi, you like my chocha?” in the most ghetto of ways.
I’m sorry those are my lines and the lines of millions of Puerto Rican girls, and we say it with class.
4. Jenna Jameson
The OLD Jenna had a good chance of making my top 10, but I really do not enjoy her movies that much. Sorry… I just don’t enjoy the big story pornos, I just like porn movies that give me what I want, little dialogue, and lots of fucking. The NEW Jenna, all 75 pounds of her, will not be in this list either.
Having said that… Let’s start the countdown…
Female #10: Vanessa Del Río
Forget Jennifer López, this woman was the original Maid in Manhattan. Ana María Sánchez, a.k.a. Vanessa del Rio was the first Latina porn star (Cuban/Puerto Rican). And let me start by saying YOU MAKE US PROUD GIRL! Sure, she began doing porn way before my parents met, but I still watch her movies. Why? Because this woman began doing porn because she LOVED sex, not because of the money. So, you can imagine all the crazy stuff she was doing in her normal life; well, according to her she was even wilder in real life “because there are no cameras up your ass.”
Wonder why white and black men like Latinas so much? You have Vanessa Del Río to blame. This woman was aggressive and in charge in the bedroom, not to mention, no hole was off-limits. She liked it all… and I mean all.
She is also known for having a large clitoris. However, after much research that consisted of watching all her films, I’m guessing she started messing with testosterone, considering that her clitoris started looking huge at the same time her muscles began to pop out.
By the way, Vanessa can suck 2 dicks at the same time! Whoa! I can barely get my mouth around one!
Male #10: Mr. Marcus
Mr. Marcus… You see that baseball cap and smile on his face? That’s the same look he has when he is fucking a girl doggy-style… with no hands. I think that is his signature move: Doggy-style, standing back, with a smile on his face: “look ma’… no hands”.
Maybe he is embarrassed about the shape of his head or male-pattern-baldness because he never takes off that damn baseball cap, but I’m not complaining.
His penis is not huge by black-men standards, but it is more than enough, by my standards.
Sex with him seems like it would be fun, and right after he gives you a facial, you can probably wash it off and sit down with him to watch Family Guy, before the next round begins.
He even has his own website where he helps people with sex issues… nice smile, big dick and a nice heart. Can you get any better than that?
Female #9: Aletta Ocean
This is one beautiful woman, and yes I am 100% heterosexual.
A woman this beautiful could not be a product of America; She is from Hungary.
Her specialties: Blow-jobs and Anal Sex… She loves anal sex. After a woman watches one of her films, she will be left wondering, “Should I try anal sex?… She really enjoys it… Maybe I should try it.”
I prefer the original Alleta, with her natural breasts. However, after getting huge fake melons her popularity has grown. Power to her!
I really don’t have much to say about her… watch her movies.
Male #9: Antonio Biaggi
Another Puerto Rican on our list! (Actually born and raised in P.R…YAY!)
There is one thing I really love about my island of Puerto Rico, and that is that most men do not disappoint in the penis department. Why? Because when the Spaniards arrived in Puerto Rico and decided to rape all Indian women and kill all the Indian men, they had to bring black slaves to do the work the Indian men did.
So… after generations of interracial fucking, our men have the best of all worlds… and of course, there is no better way of finding out the “African” influence in our men, than looking in their pants!
Antonio Biaggi is the perfect example: Typical Puerto Rican skin complexion, body hair where needed, nice facial features, and a big ass dick. Yummy.
I haven’t been watching his films for that long, however, I enjoy them.
Why, if I’m so in love with this Puerto Rican and his 11 inches (that’s right, 11 inches), is he #9? Simple… Just read this review of one of his movies:
Biaggi goes through a full day of rigorous boot camp training. Later that evening, he gets his hands on fellow grunt Aaron Summers, hammering him with his super long field rifle.
He ONLY does Gay Porn. (I’m Crying)
Female #8: Tera Patrick
Sure, she’s 35 years old, but does she look 35?
She makes the list, because, again, when you watch her movies, you realize, this woman adores having sex!
She used to have beautiful natural D cup breasts and for some reason she decided to get breast implants to make them DD. Why? I have no idea, and in my opinion her old boobies looked way better than the new ones.
She has a scene with T.T. Boy (who did not make the list, but certainly will be in the honorable mention list), where he does with her everything he wants; he pulls her hair, slaps her, throws her on the floor, on the pool table, and she does it all with a horny smile on her face. She was born to make porn.
However, don’t think this girl is just beautiful and horny; she also is smart, with her own company and businesses… What more can a man want?
“I don’t see anything wrong with a beautiful, intelligent girl being sexual and nasty. I can do a rough hard-core sex scene, then do a lecture on DNA. That’s just who I am.”
Male #8: Julian Rios
Julian is not only one hot Latino; he was a Marine and a Gulf War Veteran. Hot men in Uniform? Mmm, order me one!
Formalities aside… this man’s body is glorious… can you say yummy?
Sure, he began doing bisexual porn where he got his penis sucked by men, but they get paid more right? And he’s not really bisexual (he just allowed men to suck his Chilean sausage for the money, just like hot girls do Ron Jeremy… because of the money, not because they like him).
His dick is above average but he is no Mandingo, measuring at 7.5 inches… But I have to say, the camera loves his dick, because it appears to be way bigger; at least 8.5 inches.
You can’t really miss him in movies, because of that tattoo on his arm. He is so dreamy… if Jeff Stryker is the Brad Pitt of Porn, then Julian is the Tom Cruise (minus the crazy Scientology ramblings).
Female #7: Zeina Heart
Do not let the sweet face fool you! Zeina Heart is a teeny, tiny, 99 pound girl, with a big appetite for huge-humongous sausage.
Where is she putting all that meat? I have no idea! Just when I think she can’t possibly take anymore… she takes it… ALL.
A friend sent me a video of Zeina Heart just because she looks a lot like a girl we both know. After that video, I couldn’t help but look her up. And I must admit, this girl makes me want to get down to 99 pounds so I can be man-handled like her.
She’s like a tiny ragdoll in the arms of big-dick men, in most of her movies. They do anything they want with her. And let’s be honest, as women we talk a lot of shit about feminism and respect – and yes, we want that – but in the bedroom, we want a dominant man that makes us beg for more.
Male #7: Mandingo
This man’s penis is just too big. Sure in the girth department he’s big, but I bet I can take it… However, I am pretty sure if he decided to put it all in, I would end up with a ruptured uterus.
His penis is not as thick as John Holmes, however, it is thick and loooong, and the amazing thing is…IT GETS ROCK HARD! A dick slap from Mandingo can cause serious harm – More harm than Chris Brown can cause with his fists. Mandingo’s dick gets so hard it stands up in the air, and I am pretty sure his dick has to weigh at least 4 pounds… he has a premature baby dangling between his legs.
Although his manhood alone is reason enough to make him #1, this is my list, and I not only look for size, I look for enthusiasm and enjoyment. I don’t want to watch porn starts that have big dicks but fuck only because they are getting paid. Especially male porn stars… some of them just drill… or sit back and enjoy the ride passively… I need a more active star, one that makes me think “damn, he is enjoying that pussy”…
Sadly, Mandingo seems to take his job seriously… seriously enough to make me think he wouldn’t be fun in bed.
Female #6: Juelz Ventura/Layna Laurel
This is one beautiful Brazilian, and she doesn’t want you to forget her roots. She has the word Latina tattooed on the back of her neck.
Why do I like her so much? Besides the fact that she has a body that most women dream of even after having a kid (yes she’s a MILF), this Latina did what most women do not have the guts to do.
Picture this beautiful woman married. Now, picture her husband cheating on her (why would he do that???). Picture her catching him and being enraged… And how did she get his revenge on him? She became a porn star! That way she let him know he wasn’t the only one screwing around, she was too… for the whole world to see.
Oh… and did I say she is really really REALLY into interracial porn… and you know what they say about Black men…
Mr. Ventura seems to be lacking in that department, because she sure is making up for it now!
Male #6: Jeff Stryker
Jeff Stryker is the Brad Pitt of Porn but with a perfect cock, because we all know Brad Pitt is lacking in that department.
Jeff Stryker is tall, dark and handsome. He is manly, and his face – when he is having sex – is priceless. This dude enjoys every stroke, every thrust and every drop of cum.
He didn’t make it to my top 5, because, if you know a thing or two about a Jeff Stryker, is that he is bisexual and does bisexual porn movies. Although I must say… It’s obvious he enjoys sex with men a lot more than he does with women. (He is a top… always).
His first film I watched was a bisexual one. He was drilling the woman… but he wanted the guy, and he got him. And it was only after they switched, that Jeff got really into it.
Check back in a couple of days for the the second part of the list; My Top 5…
Even in Porn… all the good ones are gay.