Post Debate Interview: Republican Presidential Candidates

The Republican Presidential Candidates who participated in last night’s debate, were gracious enough to sit down with us for a recap of the events that transpired during the debate.

Post Debate Interview: Republican Presidential Candidates – It is a profound honor to have the current crop of republican presidential candidates join us for this post-debate interview… Well guys, many thanks for sitting down with us…

Herman Cain – [Interrupting us…] I say y’all are crazy there at yo’ site. We was not fond of you making fun of us with them motivational posters. That shit’s poppycock, a’ight?

CF – Well, Herman, we try to be fair but sometimes we do like having some fun at politicians’ expense, whether Republican or Democrat. Anyone else of the current group of republican presidential candidates had a problem with our motivational posters?

Mitt Romney – I didn’t. I thought what they said about me was quite honest. I mean, I do know how to juggle between my women, something President Clinton was never able to do. Which is a pity, because… have you guys seen Hillary recently? She’s looking more and more like she’s about to star in an action movie, sort of like the Terminator. What’s her next job, spokesman for the LGBT?

[Uncontrollable laughter amongst the candidates.]

Michele Bachmann – You’re so funny, Mitt. Even though you are weird and creepy, too… But I had no problem, personally, with how you portrayed me. A woman’s mouth is made to introduce round objects, not to lick stinky vaginas. God will hate you, if you do that. And he will give you AIDS to make his point and punish you. But no worries, if anyone’s Gay or Lesbian, just make an appointment with my husband. He’ll straighten you out.

CF – Good stuff, Michele. Thank you for that… Now, let’s delve into the debate. Some interesting things happened, to say the least, and Gov. Perry you seem to be the clear-cut winner tonight in the opinion of the public.

Perry – First of all, I want to give a shout-out. Can I have one shout-out?

CF – Um, sure Rick. Knock yourself out…

Perry – Hi, David! Hi, Charles! I hope I made you guys proud tonight. I wuv you guys…

CF – I assume that was directed at none other than the infamous Koch Brothers. The notorious financial backers of any and all republican presidential candidates… They must be evilly happy with your performance tonight, Rick. Wouldn’t you say?

Perry – Well listen, fact of the matter is I don’t have the brain of a reasonable person. But I do have the skills needed to memorize scripts. How’d you like my “Death Penalty Speech”?

CF – I thought it was really good Rick, to be honest with you. You are a dumb idiot, but an exceptional campaigner. Your speech almost made me want to use the death penalty on misdemeanor crimes as well, like petty theft and stuff.

Perry – May the Lord hear you.

CF – I’m kidding, Rick… Never mind, let’s just watch a video of that part, which made everyone in the audience cheer louder than when the British executed William Wallace.

CF – Moving on… Rep. Bachmann, you on the other hand, appear to be the consensus loser tonight. What happened there, Michele? Husband not giving you the sex?

Bachmann – Sex is icky and disgusting. It should only be used as a last resort for when making babies. And even then, it should only be done with the lights off. Jesus never even masturbated in his entire life…

Cain — [Interrupting. Again.] That playa’ must’a had them blue balls… Big time!

Romney — Good point, Herman. And that’s precisely why I have 32 wives. Also, I must admit, 17 of them are illegal aliens. They just clean the house better. Hey, Thomas Jefferson had Sally Hemings. I have Rosita Gonzalez Jimenez Morales Fernandez De La Guadalupe… So dont judge me, okay?

CF – Right… Michele, back to you, you were so bad tonight, you even criticized US involvement in Libya when you said, “Take a look at where we are in Libya today.” Did you not read about Gaddafi being there no more?

Bachmann – Well, I read the same magazines Sarah Palin reads, so no, I did not read about it.

CF – Folks, it was that kind of night for Bachmann, who even had to resort to the lowest of lows for a Republican — pretending to care about black people — when she went off about 47% of African-Americans not being able to find jobs.

Cain – [Another interruption…] That shit’s outrageous. We can find jobs. Ask any professional athlete, rapper, or drug-dealer about that, a’ight?

CF – I hear ya’, Herman… Gov. Romney, you had one of the funniest lines in the entire debate when you said that Gov. Perry claiming to have created jobs is “like Al Gore claiming to have invented the internet.” Care to elaborate on that?

Romney – Well, that was just in the heat of the moment. Rick’s a good friend of mine, with beautiful hair. I wonder what product he uses — Pantene, perhaps? It’s magnificent.

CF — Is that why you were creepily looking at him the whole night with a stalker-friendly grin; because of his set of hair?

Romney – Yes.

CF – That’s nice, Mitt. I’m sure Rick appreciates that… Though I venture to say, not as much as Gov. Perry appreciates Galileo’s wisdom. Rick, you had a somewhat head-scratching line when you claimed, “Galileo got out-voted for a spell,” when defending your retarded “climate-change” views. Let’s have a look back at that moment before we get your reaction…

CF – A spell, Rick? Really? Was it not because the Catholic Church was full of idiotic idiots who hated math and logic? … What’s next, Timothy McVeigh was executed for illegal use of fireworks on the Fourth of July, and not because he bombed down an entire Oklahoma City building full of innocent people?

Perry – In my defense, I have never read a book. Also math makes me fussy. And my head hurts when I try to add or subtract. Science is evil, too. Why do we need science when we already have the Bible? …  In terms of that word you used: “logic”. I don’t know what it means – first time I’ve ever heard of it.

[Tea Party supporters listening to the interview outside the room, begin cheering proudly at Gov. Perry’s response.]

CF – Gov. Huntsman, you are the ugly duck of the republican presidential candidates… I want to get your reaction on that which Rick just said, since you said that, “The Republican party is in danger of becoming anti-science.” Let’s take a look at your answer during the debate and the subsequent rebuttal from Gov. Perry.

CF – “It’s not settled.” “It’s nonsense.” Just two of the phrases Gov. Perry used to describe the science behind climate change. What say you, Jon?

Huntsman – Yeah, also, Rick still thinks the Earth is flat.

Perry – Might very well be flat. That’s not settled either, Jon. Everyone knows that.

Huntsman – And he thinks he’s a descendant of Adam and Eve. Am I right, Rick?

Perry – Papa Ade and Mama Eve look after and protect me from heaven, where everyone has a gun. I heard Jesus got himself a vintage AK-47 just recently. It pays to be daddy’s kid, huh? … Anyways, Jonny Boy, if you want to believe in evolution, go right ahead; it’s you who has deal with being a descendant of hairy and disgusting monkeys, like Lucy.

CF – Fair enough, Rick. Fair enough… And Jon, you’re fucking crazy, you know? How do you expect to win the Republican nomination with this freaking insane and socialist view that science is useful? You dumb fuck!

Rick Santorum – He is dumb! And Rick Santorum won’t stand for dumb. Rick Santorum is smart. And Rick Santorum hates fags.

CF – Lovely, Rick. Way to stay classy, right there… And I see you’re still referring to yourself in the third person. You’re like the quintessential bad guy from a comic-book. I still don’t know if you’re trying to be funny because you’re hilariously crazy, or if you’re trying to be serious because you’re a twisted psychopath.

Santorum – Rick Santorum will take that as a compliment.

CF – Bet you will, Rick… Newt Gingrich, my boy. You’ve been quiet for a while. You’re not important anymore, so I didn’t feel like asking you something, but in the interest of appearing to be fair and balanced like Fox News, I will give you the word as we come to an end here. Go ahead, Newt.

Gingrich – Yes, thank you. I just want to say, that it’s very important Republicans win this next election. I am the man for that. I am also the man who will impeach President Clinton for having sex with a fatty. President Clinton is a sexual deviant who subscribes to every BBW porn site there is. We must get him out. It’s a very bad example for young girls who now want to be fat so they can perform oral sex on the President. Also, I will eliminate DVDs from the market. They suck! I bought one the other day for $1,500 and it broke already. I will also strengthen American companies who help our middle class so much like: Enron; Every bank in Wall Street who facilitates real estate credit to people who can’t afford to buy a fourth house — particularly Lehman Brothers; and last but not least, I will provide tax breaks for the best kept secret in financial market today — A solid and reputable investment firm that’s run by a very decent human-being that I’m honored to call a friend: Bernard Lawrence Madoff.

[Everyone at the interview table is left confused and dumbfounded, as a team much like the one who took away John Nash in A Beautiful Mind, forcefully take Gingrich away in a strikingly similar fashion, to give him immediate electro-shock therapy.]

CF – Well, I don’t really know how to respond to that, other than to say that I think Former Speaker Gingrich misremembered the current year, much like Andy Pettitte misremembered Clemens injecting his balls with HGH. However, I do want to say — in the interest of being clear and avoiding any further confusion: This is 2011, not 1998. I think most of us have come to terms with that, right? Okay then, I think this is now a good time to wrap up, after Newt’s monumental debacle. But not without first asking each and every one of you, to sum up the evening in one word. Let’s start off with you, Herman.

Cain – Poppycock

Bachmann – Tea

Santorum – Santorum

Hunstman – Fucked

Romney – Hair

Perry – Bazookas

Ron Paul – [Snoring…]

CF – Folks, we started off this interview just as the debate ended, which was well past Ron’s bed-time. Evidently, he couldn’t fight off the urge to rest, any longer. However, since he didn’t get to say anything during the interview, we give you – verbatim – the following gem he spewed and delighted us with during the debate:

We’re spending – believe it or not, this blew my mind when I read this – $20 billion a year for air conditioning in Afghanistan and Iraq in the tents over there and all the air conditioning. Cut that $20 billion out, bring in – take $10 off the debt, and put $10 into FEMA or whoever else needs it, child health care or whatever. But I’ll tell you what, if we did that and took the air conditioning out of the Green Zone, our troops would come home, and that would make me happy.

CF – Well folks, Newt’s gone, thankfully, so that means it’s a wrap. We hope you enjoyed our exclusive interview with this current lineup of republican presidential candidates as much as we did. Have a good one.

Republican Presidential Candidates Debate Funny Tweet

Editor’s Preachy Conclusion: During the debate, as the Republican Presidential Candidates were discussing immigration issues and border-control, Michele Bachmann said the following statement:

To not build a fence is in effect to yield United States sovereignty.

I could not help but think how different the current Republican Party is, from what it was during the times of people like Reagan, and George H.W. Bush. And fittingly, I found proof of that. Take notes guys, here’s how it’s done…

Sidenote: Many thanks to the awesome blog by Richard Adams at The Guardian, for his fascinating and hysterical live-blogging of the debate, which I essentially ended up plagiarizing for this not-satirical-at-all article.

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