The Bachster has done it again… On this one he tortures America with some of the worst minutes you’ll ever spend watching a video. A Puerto Rican girl dancing to the tune of Reggaeton, in this now legendary and timeless nine-minute long YouTube Legend – “La Tipa Bailando bn loka N la Texaco de la 14 N Ponce!!!”.
YouTube Legends: “La Tipa Bailando bn loka N la Texaco de la 14 N Ponce!!!” – An Analysis (Sorry, America!) by The Bachster
Ready for a little vomit taste in your mouth?
Has there ever been a YouTube video more worthy of my half-assed attempts to be funny? I think not…
This here, my friends, is cultural heritage, the “La Tipa Bailando bn loka N la Texaco de la 14 N Ponce!!!” or translated to our monolingual American readers (reader? anyone?), “crazy bitch dancing on the Texaco at the 14th N at Ponce!!!” video. It’s a couple of years old, but it’s still historically relevant, and worthy of deep thought. Actually it isn’t.
Time to over-analyze!
Puerto Rican Girl Dancing Reggaeton
We start of (0:06 mark of the video) with our Puerto Rican protagonist; let’s call her “Crazy”, initiating her inexplicable dance in a middle of a gas station, with a cigarette in her right hand. Yes, here people hang out in gas stations. And yes, they drink and play loud music on them (or anywhere for that matter). But dancing barefoot in them?
After some hardcore ass shaking, Crazy begins to wedge her panty into her huge butt cheeks (0:37) to make them look like a thong. Very resourceful! This seemingly innocent act of dance captures the attention of our male Puerto Rican protagonist. Let’s call him “Shorty”. When Crazy starts to entice him to show his manhood (0:53), Shorty accepts the mating call, and begins to dance (0:56) – Very badly I might add, and I should know. Crazy starts rubbing her ass on Shorty like there’s no tomorrow (1:03) overpowering his feeble physique.
Shorty foolishly tries to outdo her by dancing on the floor like a fool (1:07). Of course, like any woman, Crazy couldn’t bear not being the center of attention, and proceeded to rub her vagina on his face (1:11). All of this done while barefoot and still holding that cigarette — Is that the claps, I smell?
Shorty appears without his shirt on (1:34) and hell-bent to capture the momentum of the masses. He proceeds to go around in circles like a fool, making even Crazy feel perplexed (1:42). And, again, like any Puerto Rican woman, proceeds to steal the attention, and rubs her naked ass on him (2:01)! I don’t care if he’s got jeans on: Shorty just contracted an STD.
After resorting to hand stands to attract the attention, a stranger (or a really good friend) recognizes that Shorty isn’t fucked up enough (2:17). He proceeds to chug rum into Shorty for six solid seconds (2:27) — yes, I counted very closely! This almost made our man Shorty vomit (2:50), but it seems to have only given him superhero powers (3:13). He proceeds to dance the shit out of Crazy.
Crazy dazzles us with her brilliance, stopping Shorty in his tracks while she’s on her groove (4:29). After some failed attempts to garner her attention, he proceeds to place his bare fucking hands on the disgusting gas station floor (4:58) and does three pushups. After two fat white kids who clearly aren’t from a “caserio” (5:36) start doing a chorus line, Shorty and Crazy seem to finally find their groove together. He’s even so nice as to give her his bling (5:52)! What a gentleman!
She begins to rub that big ass of hers (6:19) on him like there’s no tomorrow. And just when they were getting it on, an androgynous cock block appears (6:38) out of nowhere, uninvited, to give Crazy a beer. But the Puerto Rican version of Pat proved wiser than her/him/its appearance. For Crazy proceeded to suck that bottle like a clear, cheap dick (6:42). Thanks, anonymous LGBT person.
And sucked she did. And Shorty, not missing a chance to be a gentleman, popped that bottle open so she could drink it (7:02). Or chug while Shorty grabs her boobs — whatever (7:10). And grab he did (7:27)!
After another white person appearance (8:34), the cameraman starts asking Guy with a Cap to go dance with Crazy. Proving that sanity hasn’t completely been lost (9:11), Guy with a Cap declines the offering. This leaves her alone… with no dancing partner… and shoeless (9:26)
Puerto Rican Girl Dancing Reggaeton: Until, she starts dry humping a car while talking on the phone — Another video!
(Where are her damn shoes?!)
Puerto Rican Girl Dancing Reggaeton: The Puerto Rican lady proceeds to give a very classy interview at a KFC, as you can see right here…
Let’s translate: Her name is Saide. She’s Puerto Rican, of course. She says she took her shoes off because she was tired of them. She doesn’t give a shit what people say and she says she’s very happy. She used to dance in a g-string for a living (trust my translation) at rap videos and disco’s. She has no idea who Shorty was. She says she wasn’t drunk and remembers everything. She has two kids, and her brother and cousin were with her that night. She has two tongue piercings and she’s happy with her weight. She’s proud of who she is, and she means it!
Jeez… she really does. Bless her unemployed, irresponsible ass for giving us this gem. She seems happier than I’ve ever been! Ignorance truly is bliss.
Welfare: 1… The Bachster: Refuses to Participate.